The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2015

So, 2015 is officially a thing of the past, and looking back, I have to say that I quite liked this year. It's certainly not the glorious year of pop perfection that many of my piers have claimed it to be, at least not in my eyes, but in general, I feel the general bar of quality was a lot higher than that of last year, and we did get quite a few songs I would reasonably describe as being among the best of this decade thus far. It was, at the end of the day, a pretty dang good year.

But unfortunately for me, that's not what we're here for today. After all, you all know how the old saying goes, you have to eat your vegetables before you can have your ice cream, and boy if there wasn't quite a bit of disgusting spinach casserole this year.

...metaphorically speaking, that is.

Yes, as much good as this year gave us, there was the occasional chunk of garbage that rose to the top for whatever reason, so I'm ready to get it out of here before we get to praising the greats of this year, which I really want to do.

I've decided to switch up the rules a teeny bit this time around. The songs still have to have charted within the Billboard Hot 100's Top 40 to count as a hit, but I decided to only go from January to November, or Billboard's chart-tracking year of 2015, instead of counting Top 40 entries from December. This is because there's often a massive chart reshuffling in December to welcome in the first big hits of the following year, and including said songs would completely mess up the already mostly organized lists I'd already put together and had the rough basis for writing about, and delay the writing process for about a month or so. Because of this, anything that hit the Top 40 in December of this year or anything that is extremely likely to become a much bigger hit in 2016 will instead be counted for next year's list. And to avoid any confusion or ambiguity, I'm simply going to ban any song that was on my Best and Worst hits of 2014 list from these lists. OK? OK.

Also, try not to look at this list as me being cynical and caustic purely for the sake of being cynical and caustic. Believe me, I've had a long-standing grudge against every song on here, and this is just my way of finally letting out all that pent-up rage that's been building up for the past 12 months. There'll be plenty of time for positivity later, but for now, it's time to deliver these miserable little songs their due reckoning. We're counting down the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2015 right...

...now!

10

I think at this point we're all familiar with the classic "former Nickelodeon/Disney Channel child star" career formula. Be on semi-popular TV show on one of those networks, gain career as marketable young child star, show ends, try to break away from that image by being sexual and controversial and "edgy", at term which I use to describe this situation extremely loosely, become famous pop star, and do "controversial" stuff on occasion to keep the public eye on you as long as possible until your career runs its course, either fading out gradually and gracefully or exploding into a ball of flames, either works, rinse, and repeat. 

Now, this chain of events isn't always necessarily a bad thing. A few have managed to stick the landing and go on to have pretty decent careers and even produce some quality music, and the reason I bring this up is because the artist I'm about to talk about actually was one of those lucky few. Not everything she released was great or even good, but above all there were some real gems in there and she showed a lot of potential as a genuinely really good pop star. Which is why I feel I speak for all of us when I say the following:

Ariana... the fuck is this shit?

#10. "Focus" by Ariana Grande

Remember Problem? That song from 2014 that everyone loved for about 10 seconds and then almost instantly turned on? Well, it seems Ariana has failed to learn from her mistake because she's gone and done it again, only this time about 10 times worse.

I mean, I can give Focus some credit in that it has the good mercy not to stick us with an Iggy Azelea verse this time, but really, when you look at the baffling awfulness of the rest of the song, is there really much of a net improvement?

After all, every other... well, problem from Problem is still present yet somehow done even more poorly. I mean, I'll give Problem this: as awful as Problem and just about all musical elements present were, they were at the very least somewhat cohesive, they fit together into something, unlike here where it seems they just took a bunch of sounds, threw them at a wall, had Ariana badly sing-rap over them and say "all right, that's good enough, we did our best, lunch break, who's up for Taco Bell?" and sent it out to sale. From the pots-and-pans clattering percussion, the overly stiff and ugly bassline, and Jamie Foxx squealing over the chorus in what doesn't even sound like human speak, every musical element is obnoxious and barely fits together with eachother, to the point where it's not even novel or clever but rather just impossible to listen to without scratching your head and just wondering "what the hell happened here?".

Let's just hope the rest that Moonlight album can actually continue to show some of Ariana's talent, because this? Not a good sign.

9

Now, I've made a point to never be or give much attention to "that guy". You know the one. The one that's all, "modern musik iz the so bad especially the hip hop all hip hop is bad and the worst and the beatels Were better than this modrn garbage fuk dis genration!!!1!"... you know, those people. The reason being that, well, they're just simple wrong. Anyone with a cursory knowledge of music beyond le Queen and can look 2 inches beyond the Biebers of the world can plainly see the diverse and brilliant lineup of great music that is still made and released today, both mainstream and non, and yes, that does include rap and hip-hop.

However, I would be lying if I didn't say that a good amount mainstream hip-hop in recent years hasn't exactly done a very good job in proving these chodes wrong. Don't get me wrong, there are still great rappers and hip-hop artists making very high-quality music of very different flavors, even in the mainstream, but at least in the mainstream there has been such a flood of abominable hip-hop songs, trends, and artists over the recent years that I just can't help but shake my head at, and is made even worse by major publications like Pitchfork actually encourage this schlock.

Don't believe me? Well, this guy has a career. If that doesn't prove my point I'm not quite sure what will.

#9. "Flex (Ooh, Ooh, Ooh)" by Rich Homie Quan

Flex (Ooh, Ooh, Ooh), horrible title by the way, isn't the worst hip-hop song to hit the mainstream, but it is undoubtedly the most cliched and the one that I feel perfectly represents everything wrong with bad mainstream hip-hop. I can't think of a single element in this song that I haven't heard in at least 5 other vapid, lifeless brag-rap songs of the past five years. It's all just the same limp, lifeless beat, the same droning production, the same idiot mumbling borderline nonsense about fucking bitches, making money, and owning cars. It's the exact same thing we've been hearing from Lil Wayne for nearly a decade, and the same thing artists like Future have been doing since this brand of music exploded for whatever ungodly reason back in 2013.

There is nothing creative or interesting about this song at all. Rich Homie Quan is another everyday, disposable brag-rapper among millions who made another everyday, disposable brag-rap song among millions. I'm not saying every single song ever made in the world needs to be deep and artsy, but at the very least I expect some level of quality and talent, yes, even for dumb party music. 

People aren't going to remember this song, we're all just gonna forget it and hopefully move on from this sort of thing. And let's hope they do, because I don't know about you, but I'm god damn tired of it.

 8

Jason DeRulo has actually been a massive influence on popular music in the 2010's. When people look back on some of the biggest songs of this particular ear of pop, Jason DeRulo's stamp is pressed on there pretty hard and pretty clearly for future pop analysts to see.

And that has nothing to do with his style or voice or his pretty damn massive number hits. Nah, none of that. Jason DeRulo's mass influence on the world of music came in one singular little riff. Yep, that one.

With those few seconds of awful squawking saxophone, DeRulo set off a musical movement that absolutely nobody wanted but we got anyway. This year, everyone was trying to be Talk Dirty, with the biggest saxophone boom in pop since 2011.

There were two extremely notable example of this. The first being the more blatant of the two being Flo Rida's GDFR, which I can say, over the months, has grown on me quite a bit and it's something I can definitely see the appeal in. It is by no means a great or even really a good song, but there is some merit to it. I'm certainly inclined give it a pass.

On the other hand...

#8. "Worth It" by Fifth Harmony feat. Kid Ink

Worth It suffers from the Focus problem of taking a song that was already awful and blatantly ripping it off while accentuating its negatives even further. Only this time, instead of retreading an old song of their own, they take from a song by a completely different artist, which just makes the lack of originality even more insulting.

I don't like to throw around the term "rip-off", but this is so blatantly trying, and need I add failing, to do what Talk Dirty did I feel it deserves it. It's worth it, you know.

This song has the same feel as Talk Dirty - ugly, gross, overtly sexual without being nearly sexy, all topped off with an awful sax riff (that we'll get into) - but is even harder to listen to. Say what you will about Talk Dirty, I know I certainly can, it had an energy, a vibe, and Jason fit into the role pretty well. It was disgusting to be sure, but there was some appeal.

That is not the case with Worth It however, and I think that all comes in the production. It's this hollow, messy synthwork, the effects over the girls' already horribly nasal sing-rapping, and of course the only reason people remember this song, that saxophone riff, and wow, I railed on Talk Dirty for its sax riff, but this makes that song sound like Hey Brother. It's just so badly pitched and coarse and ugly.

That's the best way to describe Worth It - it's ugly. And not even in a good way where that's the point and it uses it to create an atmosphere or an impact or maybe present a darker subject matter, it's just an aggressively gross 3 minutes and 45 seconds of musical sludge with little to no appeal as a party song, a sex song, or a song that's good for any sort of casual or active listening.

Throw in five terrible performances from one of the worst girl groups to hit the scene in years and one of Kid Ink's laziest performances to date, and you've got a song with absolutely nothing remotely positive going for it.

Ugh.

7

So these guys are still around.

That's a shame.

#7. "No Type" by Rae Sremmurd

With most artists like Rae Sremmurd, the general consensus agrees that their music is pretty much exclusively garbage, and we can all just accept their success as the result of dumb vine trends and just ignore them with the optimistic knowledge that they will inevitably just fuck off.

Which is why it baffles me to no end that Rae Sremmurd are not only proving disturbingly influential, but have also been garnering up loads of critical acclaim, with lots of major publications such as Rolling Stone and Pitchfork putting their album on year-end Best Album lists, and a massive number of people defending their music to death and blasting those who don't like it.  I have to wonder if there's some secret magic to these guys' songs that I'm just not understanding or if they happened to listen to these songs whilst high on paint fumes, because I haven't heard a single thing to compel me to believe these two are, or should be, any sort of hip-hop paradigm shifters or the critical darlings they are.

The biggest problem with Rae Sremmurd is the vocals of the two rappers present. They've always been unbearably whiny and nasal, hell when I first heard them I though they were in the 13-14 age range, and that issue is no less present here.

But even worse than that is the production. I could maybe cut this song some slack is there was any energy or power to the production to make it more fun. Wouldn't save the song from being awful, but at least it could possibly work as a party song, which it was clearly meant to be. Instead we get a hollow, meandering collection of off-beat bass hits, gang vocals, and trap high-hats with no punch whatsoever and just make the song an absolute slog to sit through. 

Of course there's the lyrics, which are obviously not a strong suit. There's the chorus that blatantly contradicts itself, the verses that are the average hollow luxury porn you've heard a million times, yadda yadda yadda... this is a song with just no substance to it whatsoever, lyrical, musical, or otherwise.

"It's just dumb party music, cut it some slack" isn't exactly an excuse I'm a big fan of. If it's just supposed to be dumb party music, that's perfectly fine, there's been plenty of great songs that fall into the "mindless debauchery and partying music" category.

But it's not an excuse for a song, especially one that's played everywhere and makes a cultural impact, to be crap. Just because it's "dumb party music" doesn't means it can't be called out for being absolute garbage.

And on that note...

6

I can already feel the number of people rolling their eyes at this pick. I know, it's a cliche to hate this song, I know it's been said a million times, and I know this song is basically a joke at this point.

But you know what? I'm not one to believe the popular opinion is automatically wrong all the time. Sometimes public opinion is 100% justified and shows that hey, sometimes people do have good taste.

Yes, this song has been bashed by everyone for an infinitesimal number of reasons, but believe me, those are damn good reasons, and I'm never one to resist joining the choir when I think it's truly deserved.

So with that...

#6. "Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)" by Silento

Look, on some level, I can sort of see how Watch Me could be defended or at least cut some slack. It's not supposed to be taken at all seriously, not even as a brainless party song. It's a kid's dance song, sort of 2010s' Cha-Cha Slide or Cupid Shuffle, something to be played during elementary school morning announcements, birthday parties, gymnastics meets, after-school clubs, what have you. It's a silly song for kids, nothing offensive.

And, well, yes, that would be completely valid... but here's the thing. The Cha-Cha Slide, the Cupid Shuffle, and all their contemporaries never charted, and were never mass cultural phenomenons or I guess in Watch Me's case whatever the opposite of a phenomenon is. They were never songs you heard about outside of very specific situations.

Watch Me, on the other hand, was a massive worldwide hit and somewhat of a large cultural presence, which means I do, in fact, have to judge it on its merits as a song, and as a song, Watch Me is absolutely awful. The piss-poor production that sounds like it was made in the span of 5 minutes on some shitty cheap free audio program, the unbearably high-pitched vocals of our performer, the aggressive stupidity, repetition, and the musical parallels to Souljia Boy who I thought was a nightmare none of us wanted to relive.

It doesn't even have the good graces to be its own original terrible dance song, taking "moves" and lyrical concepts, if you can even call them that, from other terrible dance songs, with barely an original idea in there.

It's some of the most cheap, disposable, and blatant about its own awfulness as pop music has gotten in a long time. Which begs the question:

Why was this a Top 3 hit!?

5

But hey, say whatever you will about Watch Me.

At least it wasn't a lower-rate ripoff of Watch Me.

#5. "Hit The Quan" by @iHeartMemphis

I mean, is this really what the pop world needed? The hip-hop equivalent of Do The Mario?

Cheap Vine trash like this has been a running theme throughout this list, and this was saved from being the absolute worst of them by one other song that we'll get to in just a bit, but I feel it should be noted that the worst thing about this trend isn't the horrible production, terrible songwriting, lack of novelty or uniqueness, or just the pure stupidity of it all. No, it's the laziness and clear lack of talent or effort put into any of it. There's a reason none of this stuff sticks around: it's a wave lazily made nothingness made in an attempt to go viral that has now completely oversaturated the market to the point where this stuff is a dime a dozen, and Hit The Quan is the most blatant example of this.

This was released right at the peak of both Rae Sremmurd and Watch Me's popularity, which means this kind of music was at its biggest, and showed no difference from anything either artist was doing. It's the most blatant example of shilling out something to make a quick buck, and it unfortunately working.

That's what pisses me off about Hit The Quan; it's a terrible song on its own, no doubt, but it's the blatantly cynical lack of any sort of effort or creativity behind the scenes. Another day, another lifeless Vine trend that goes viral for a month before being forgotten completely.

Let's hope this kind of shit dies out in 2016 and we can leave it in 2015, because I don't want to see more of this. I really don't.

4

Going back a little bit, I have to say that I think 2014 was a much better year than a lot of people say it was. Yes there were some awful, awful trends and artists that populated the charts that year, but what saves it for me was that its good songs were absolutely stellar. Songs like Midnight, Pompeii, Afire Love, Human, and Let It Go, among others, don't come along all that often, and seeing a level of quality as stunning as theirs hit the Top 40 was something really special.

And most of the bad trends of that year really didn't stick around. DJ Mustard barely saw any success in 2015, mainstream R&B experienced an influx of really good new artists, and Jason DeRulo woke up realized what the fuck he was doing.

There's one other artist that dominated the cultural landscape in 2014, whose music was not only awful, but thankfully a complete non-presence here in 2015.

So, to say "good riddance" to this woman's career as her latest single inevitably flops, I can think of no better way than to completely destroy what will inevitably be its last breath, which was also, without a doubt, its worst.

#4. "Pretty Girls" by Britney Spears feat. Iggy Azalea

From the second I heard this song's title and the artists involved, I knew there was no chance of this song being anything but complete garbage, and turns out I was right. Oh Jesus Christ on a bicycle, was I right.

Pretty Girls is the dictionary definition of a trainwreck. Not a single element present in this song is listenable, from the obnoxious, borderline migraine-inducing production, to Britney and Iggy giving both of their worst performances to date, and just how discordant and messy it all is, Pretty Girls is the musical manifestation of annoyance.

But what's even worst is just how utterly vapid it is. I remember when Bitch I'm Madonna charted earlier this year (and *thankfully* wasn't a hit; side note, it would be #1 on this list if it did) and beyond how God-forsakenly horrid it was musically, above all. it just felt sad. She was trying so hard to convince us how *cool* and *down to par-tay* she was, it felt like she was trying so hard to cling on to relevance while failing to realize she was, in the process, committing a sin against the very art of music.

While Pretty Girls isn't *quite* as bad as Bitch I'm Madonna, I do get much of the same vibe from it. It feels like both artists are trying so desperately to cling on to relevance that has long passed by both artists involved, and it makes to song so hollow and depressing, and not in a good or effective way, but in a way that just makes me want to shake my head in shame at both artists involved. Neither artists has had exactly a good track record, especially Iggy, but they're at least better than this, any artist with a shred of dignity left is.

Apparently, Iggy blames Britney for this song not being bigger than it was. If that's the case, we need to give Britney an award or something, because she did all of us a public service.

3

So, pop quiz: how do you take two of the worst rappers currently working in music, with little to no visible talent whatsoever who made one of the worst albums of the past few years, and had already made a song bad enough to be considered on of the absolute worst of the year, and then somehow make them even worse?

Well...

#3. "Throw Sum Mo" by Rae Sremmurd feat. Nicki Minaj and Young Thug

I'll tell you how. Take two more of the worst rappers currently working in music, put them over one of the most skin-crawlingly repulsive beats ever to have been produced, and slap it all together into a generic strip-club anthem that takes all the standard tropes of that "genre" and pumps them up to a million.

2014 may have been the start, but 2015 was officially the year awful Vine hits exploded and were everywhere on the charts, and Throw Sum Mo is, no contest, the worst of them. You may not think Rae Sremmurd could dig the hole any deeper, but lo and behold, they did it, creating what may be one of the worst rap songs to chart all decade. In fact, this song is the manifestation of all the bad rap songs that charted this year, like every awful vine rap, brag rap, dance craze, club jam, and strip club anthem was just left to fester in a dark room and birth this... thing.

I'll give the two main men some credit and they their flow and rapping is a bit better here than in No Type, but really, that's not saying much. While their flow is marginally improved, it doesn't change the fact that they still have little to no charisma or personality, and their high and squeaky voices make them sound as much as 12-year-olds as ever, which adds a whole new layer of immaturity and stupidity to what is already an extremely vapid song. Then there's Young Thug, and he's just spitting his usual jibberish, nothing new from him honestly.

Then there's the production, a beat so ugly and shallow it's borderline unlistenable. It's just this hollow, bare-bones trap beat with this obnoxious bubbling synthline over it that sounds straight out of Roman Reloaded. And on that topic, Nicki Minaj, who is easily the worst part of this four-course meal of awful. I'd dare say her chorus on this song is one of her absolute worst performances to date, in fact, I'd dare say it;s the sole thing that plummeted this song into the bottom 3. It's right on par with the the "love this fat ass" and laughing bit on Anaconda, and believe me, that is a very strong statement that I do not make lightly.

However, it still wasn't the worst thing Nicki did this year.

So on that note...

2

Now, I've made it no secret that I'm not exactly a fan of Nicki Minaj. If I'm being completely blunt, I think she is the single worst artist currently working in the mainstream. Her music is absolutely disgusting, overly sexualized, horrendously produced, hack garbage often lacking anything resembling effort, talent, or meaning, and yet is constantly praised as a "talented visionary" and "voice of a generation", even while consistently pumping out pumping out trash including but not limited to Only, Anaconda, Stupid Hoe, hell, I could be here all day listing every piece of worthless junk she puts out that people somehow interpret as music. I was far too nice to her in my worst-of list last year. If I were to remake that list, Anaconda would be #1 without question, and Only wouldn't be too far behind it.

Which is why I do not speak lightly when I say that this is one of her worst. No joke, this is bottom-5 material. It's not as bad as Stupid Hoe or Anaconda, really almost nothing is, but it's damn close.

And what's worse is that it was a Top 40 hit. People actually bought this.

America, you have some serious explaining to do.

#2. "Feelin' Myself" by Nicki Minaj feat. Beyonce

One of the things that I and my fellow pop-reviewing colleages get often is that it's "just pop music". We shouldn't take it too seriously. We don't need to have standards, we shouldn't call out when things have gone too far, there doesn't need to be any talent or artistry or quality because, hey, it's "just pop music", nothing that really matters or should be cared about at all.

You know what? Fuck that.

I take serious offense to this idea. This ideology is the reason that pop music has the god-awful reputation it does. No matter what the medium, be it music, television, film, whatever, art should be taken seriously, and should be held up to at least some standards of quality, because when we don't, we see trash start to pile its way in, and it will only grow worse and worse from there. Pop heads will let schlock like Nicki Minaj slide and continue to give our generation a worse name than it deserves and let more people think that this generation is a bunch of degenerate idiots when we are absolutely not, because hey, "it's just pop music. It's not art, it's not culture, it's just. pop. music.". 

NO. 

As someone who truly loves music, and has mass respect for it as an art form that can do and create wonderful things, no. It's not just pop music. It's a part of our culture, and a vessel for artists to share their music with the world, have it noticed, make a career out of it. I'm not trying to say all pop music is bad or that it's all garbage, it's absolutely not. There's still a ton of great music nowadays that gets popular, music created with talent, passion, meaning, that can still grab the hearts and minds of the public, and it's a beautiful sight to see. We should be encouraging that type of music.

We should not be encouraging this. This is lazy, over-sexualized trite, that shows both performers involved at their absolute lowest, with sparse, ugly production that is borderline impossible to listen to, and four straight minutes of nonsense about sex, drinking, and what I'm pretty sure is a term for masturbation, and doesn't even have the decency to present it in a way that makes it sound fun or joyful or anything like that. There is no joy or fun to any of this. It's a bleak, cynical non-attempt at a party jam thrown together with the least amount of effort with two of the worst musicians currently working, both giving one of each artists' worst performances to date, with Beyonce slurring her non-singing all over the chorus and Nicki Minaj being her usual unlistenable self, repeating asinine trash like "pussy on fleek", into a deplorable mess that highlights everything bad about garbage songs like this. Songs like Feelin' Myself are the reason people see pop music like they do, and the more we let crap like this slide, and the more it gets critical acclaim, the more people encourage this sort of thing, the worse and worse it's gonna get, and the less respect the world will have for music as an art form. Already there are people who believe music is "dead" and that nothing else with any sort of quality is being produced, and artists like Nicki Minaj are the reason why.

Feelin' Myself is barely music. It's a wretched, horribly made piece of trash, that will inevitably go into the proverbial trash bin, right where it belongs, along the rest of Nicki's discography and that of all like her.

I guarantee, in nearly any other year, this would've taken the top spot without competition. It's not only a horrendous piece of "music", brainless, asinine, horribly-written, horribly produced, and overall disgusting garbage, but it's a perfect representation of why people hate pop music, and what all of it would sound like if we truly abandoned all standards.

And yet, there was still one song that was worse.

But, before that, let's cool things down a bit and run through some dishonorable mentions, songs that were still awful, but not quite enough to crack the list.

~~~

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

"Truffle Butter" by Nicki Minaj feat. Drake and Lil Wayne

Oh goody, more Nicki Minaj.

I'll concede that this is certainly one of the less awful singles from The Pinkprint; the production on here is actually quite nice, it's got a decent atmosphere and a good pulse, it's very listenable and what saves this song from a spot on the list.

Truffle Butter's problem, like most songs in its vein, comes in through the performers. None of the three bring much interesting to the table, and while Drake actually sounds fine the other two are just as bad as ever, with lyrics that include but are not limited to incest, snorting coke off of Lil Wayne's dick (which I can't tell if is cleverly disgusting or just outright disgusting), and the title reference, which.. yeah. I'm sure that's not what they were going for but... you really just can't listen to this without that imagery being called to mind.

Again, not one of Nicki's worst, but... yeah, that's really not saying much.

~~~

DISHONORABLE METION:
"My Way" by Fetty Wap feat. Monty

My Way was the worst of Fetty Wap's singles this year by a long shot.

Trap Queen was enjoyable, 679 was sluggish and painful, and My Way is just plain impossible to listen to.

You hear those disturbing key twinkles at the beginning, the slow, meandering tempo, Fetty's horribly off-pitch delivery... there's something that's just off-kilter about this song, almost like listening to it is brainwashing me or something. It's one of the worst-constructed songs of the year, nothing about it works.

Just thinking about it is giving me a migraine. Ugh, next.

~~~

DISHONORABLE MENTION:

"Bitch Better Have My Money" by Rihanna

I remember being repulsed by this song at first, but over time I've really numbed to it. If anything, it's kind of funny in a way. Seeing Rihanna trying to pass herself of with this don't-fuck-with-me gangster girl attitude is just hilarious, almost cute in a way.

It's not so much the attitude or lyrics that make this song bad, laughable as they are. No, the issue comes in through the song's sound. You got Rihanna screaming her lines over this heavy-handed, overbearing trap beat that just makes it a nightmare to listen to.

It's a song that tries so hard to be edgy, but really, it's just nonsense.

~~~

DISHONORABLE MENTION:
"Marvin Gaye" by Charlie Puth feat. Meghan Trainor

No, Marvin Gaye didn't make my Top 10 Worst of the year.

But that doesn't mean it wasn't reeeeaaally close.

Marvin Gaye just might win the award for Lamest Song Ever Recorded. It tries so hard to be this hot, smooth sex jam of sexual sexiness, and fails so unbelievably hard that it's outright laughable, in fact it might be the most unsexy song to ever mention sex. Throw the complete failure to live up to its subject matter, some of the inexplicably awful lines, its limp melody, weak piano riff, and out of nowhere use of gang vocals of all things, Marvin Gaye is the musical equivalent of a gory, explosive car crash happening right before your eyes; it's so disgusting and horrid but you just can't look away. It's a fascinating disaster on every level.

And to think I thought Charlie Puth had potential. Oh, silly me.

~~~

DISHONORABLE MENTION:
"Nasty Freestyle" by T-Wayne

lol no

OK, let's finish this.

1

Now, I like to think that I can temper my emotions pretty well when it comes to criticizing art, and that includes pop music. Even the worst songs I may get angry at and spit a lot of venom towards, hell just look at this very list you're reading right now, but it often fades with time, and I can take comfort in the fact that most of these songs aren't nor are they intending to do any long-term damage or spread anything harmful to society or anything. I still stand by that pop music should be held up to a standard and bad songs should be criticized, if I didn't I wouldn't be writing this list right now, but very rarely does a song come along that I find so atrocious from a conceptual, moral standpoint that I can safely say my anger towards it will possible never cease, and I think the world would be better off if this song were never produced.

I guess the gist of what I'm trying to say is that I don't very often get "offended" by pop songs. "Offend" is a very strong word, and much like "hate" I feel it should only be reserved for extreme situations where the piece of art in question truly deserves it, that meaning it does something worse than just being badly composed or mind-numbingly brainless or especially just being boring.

This artist, however, has shattered all of that. Her music is toxic not in lack of artistry or musical incompetence, but from a purely moral standpoint. Her songs have presented some of the most toxic, unjustifiable, disgusting songwriting I've ever heard in pop music, period, and that fact that she claims herself to be a role model for young girls and claim her sick ideologies are somehow progressive sickens me.

And you know what? I was almost just gonna let her slide. Her first two singles were disgusting, no question, if I were to redo last year's worst list they'd both be Bottom 5 without a doubt, but she hadn't quite gotten to that peak of anger for me yet, I was convinced she was gonna be gone in no time.

The first time I heard this song, any and all slack I could possibly cut her disappeared instantly. I was seething with anger the first time I heard this song, an anger that has only grown and intensified over time before culminating into unbridled, vitriolic disgust. It's one of the few pop songs I can actually say I find, well, offensive, and I now consider this woman to be the worst artist currently working.

So, a question: how do out-toxic Nicki Minaj?

#1. "Dear Future Husband" by Meghan Trainor

Look, on some crazy level, I could understand how people could somehow construe a positive message out of All About That Bass. If I squint my eyes hard enough, I could maybe even see how Lips Are Movin' could be justified.

There is no excuse for this. Dear Future Husband isn't just a bad song, this is a potentially dangerous one, presenting a myriad of toxic ideologies and ideas, and being presented as a positive message for women and being praised for it.

This song portrays a relationship in which Meghan Trainor has complete power over her husband, forcing him to menial tasks for her and compliment her to reassure her already dangerously high ego complex, and controlling every single second of his life, and with no reward or reassurance outside of kisses and being allowed to stay with her for the sake of "love". Love, for the record, seems to be a concept Trainor has a very twisted viewpoint of. Love isn't about controlling your significant other and putting them beneath you based on arbitrary gender roles and a sense of superiority, it's about mutual care and passion and respect, none of which seem to be traits Meghan Trainor even possesses.

In fact, this song paints a picture of what is essentially an abusive relationship. The way this song is framed, it's clear Trainor only wants this guy around to do things for her and inflate her sense of self-worth, while keeping him in a proverbial chokehold, even straight up saying "you'll never see your family more than mine". This isn't just me reading too deep into things, she is literally stating that she is keeping him away from his loved ones for her own benefit. That is fucking sick.

What scares me the most about this song is the framing. This song, in all its sadistic, disgusting subject matter, is played 100% straight and is meant to be taken as positive and cute. It's claiming to be this inspirational, pro-feminist message that's healthy for young girls and women to learn. That's right ladies, treat your significant others like worthless garbage, keep then under your strangle-hold and away from their families, after all, with society's attitudes towards abusive relationships and how men can never be abused and should never complain about anything, and women can never do anything wrong and putting themselves in the role of the abuser is actually seen as "standing up for herself" and "strong and independent", it's not like anyone's gonna call you out on it!

No. This is not progressive. This is insane, not only that, but possibly damaging. This isn't just insane nightmare fuel from a possible sociopath with no regard for certain people based on their gender, this is a song designed to send a message that abusive relationships are not only OK, but they're empowering and that they're a sign of a true woman and a good feminist, and like it or not, they're gonna take it to heart, and we're gonna see more relationships like this pop up, and because it's woman-on-man, society isn't gonna do shit about it. And the cycle's just gonna keep on going.

Stuff like this is the reason gender issues aren't being resolved, and if more stuff like this starts getting popular, or, god forbid, become influential, then we're never gonna progress. We're just gonna keep living in a fucked-up, horrible world, and music like Meghan Trainor's is only gonna perpetuate it, with its Tumblr-grade socially destructive messages and arbitrary gender roles that we should've out grown by now. Music like this doesn't want us to grow, it only wants us to go backwards.

Fuck you, Meghan Trainor. I'm done.