Today is a special day. Today we will begin the newborn Blog of MUSIC by looking at the greats. Yes, we're picking out the best of the best, the top of the top, the cream of the cream, the ultimate of the ultimate, the greatest of the greatest, the kings of the kings, the coolest of the coolest, the
That's right, today we are counting down the Top 10 Greatest Stock Pictures Of Umbrellas Of All Time!
Now, I've had a lifelong adoration for stock umbrella pictures over the past few hours, and today, it's time to give the medium its ultimate tribute.
Why? Because they're awesome, that's why. Let's begin.
#10. Beach Umbrella Royalty Free Clipart
Now, this comes in at #10 because as you can see, it is indeed a stock image of an umbrella, yes, and therefore it fits the criteria and to me, that makes it worthy of landing this high on the list.
#9. Group Of Umbrellas
Now, what make #9 so interesting is that it's not just one umbrella, but nine umbrellas. As you can see, that clearly took a lot of effort and a lot of creativity and technical prowess to make work without seeming forced, but man, did they pull it off. This one is just oozing creativity, as you can see they actually made one of them into a fish bowl, and that alone puts it here because fish bowls are awesome.
#8. Holding Umbrella Stock Image
Now, I love about this one is the way it utilizes the color orange. See, the creator of this one was originally going to make it green, but her higher-ups demanded it be a different shade of green than the one she wanted, so she made it orange instead in protest and released it anyway as a stunning display of creative freedom, and that's what makes this one really impressive.
#7. Open Solar Photovolatic Umbrella Stick Concept Photo
Fun fact, the umbrella featured in #7 was actually designed by famous stock photographer L'D'Angelico LaBornes DeHaglenglakkhen, and that's a badass name, so he obviously deserves a spot on here.
This is no average stock umbrella photo. As you can see, it was designed with very minimalistic shapes, giving a very raw, real and yet abstract and obtuse appearance at that. The sheer recidivism of this piece only emphasizes its perspicacity, making it cromulent yet also quite prosaic, and that's why it's here, for being so flabbergastingly eloquent in its stipple, picaresque ebullience.
This image isn't actually very good at all. In fact, it's so bad that it actually isn't on the list, so let's just move on to #4:
#4. Alamy Stock Photo
Fun fact: this was actually the first stock images of an umbrella ever taken. You can tell because the model they used is an old one, one of the first prototype models of the umbrella in history, in fact, dating all the way back to 2004. Now isn't that interesting?
Now this one here, this, it's just a classic. Everybody knows this rightfully famous gem, so let's just move on real quick.
#2. African-American Businessman With Umbrella Stock Photo
Now, what makes this piece so stunning is its utilization of a person. People were actually frowned upon for appearing in stock photos, especially ones with umbrellas in them, until about 1776 and the American Revolution. Since then, it has become somewhat more acceptable, but there are still people out there who believe we humans have no place being in stock photos, and you know what, that isn't right. We need to stand up, show our pride, and prove that we should be allowed to appear in whatever type of picture you like, because this is the United States Of Fucking America God Damn It (TM) and we should be proud of our royalty-free photos and associations with such.
That rebellion against such an oppressive, regressive system is what makes this piece truly stand out, and it may be one of the most important pieces of art in our history.
What could possibly beat it?
Ladies and gentlemen...
#1. Stylish Purple Umbrella For Protection Against Sunbeams
So, what makes this so special that I declare it the greatest of all time?
It's purple.
Purple's my favorite color.
That's it. That's the only reason.
Guys, thank you so much for watching, be sure to like, comment, subscribe, favorite, rate 5 stars, retweet, reblog, and share. Now get out of my house.
Hey, guys. So, as you can probably tell, I haven't been very active on this blog in the past few months. Since the 2015 Year-End lists, yes, the blog has been on a long, unannounced hiatus.
But why is that?
Well, to be frank, I feel like I've just lost interest in reviewing music. Music just doesn't get me as excited to review as it used to. The passion's just kind of faded, unfortunately.
Fortunately, though, I think I've found a new passion, one that I truly care about and that has inspired me to write once again. And that passion is:
Stock photos of umbrellas.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen. I am now reinventing myself as a critic, enthusiast, and analyst of not music, but stock photos of umbrellas. I feel stock photos are an exciting, powerful new medium, and they work perfectly with the natural beauty of umbrellas.
As such, this is no longer FlamingScribblenaut's Blog of Music, but rather FlamingScribblenaut's Blog of MUSIC (Mad Umbrella Stock Image Coolness). Get ready, because there's lots of exciting ground to cover with this subject.
See you later today as we kick of this project with the Top 10 Best Stock Pictures Of Umbrellas Of All Time!
Thank you all for reading, and I'm excited to share this journey with you.
Well, folks, this is it. The cream of the crop, the top of the mountain, the best of the best.
It's time to reveal the Top 50 Best songs of 2015. Not just the hits, not just under certain genres, the absolute best pieces of music released in 2015.
No more delays, no more bullshit, let's get these god damn year-end lists overwith!
So, first of all, I'm sorry this isn't a full text post with like essays and explanations and shit. Long story short, I've had a shitty January, school is overtaking my life, I haven't been sleeping well, my life is sort of a massive clusterfuck right now and I've not the time nor the motivation to sit down and write a full length dissertation and still manage to get these lists out by the end of January like I promised.
Therefore, this and my Top 50 Songs of 2015 (which is coming over the weekend, I promise) are not going to be fully written out or explained at all. This is going to be a quick thing where I'm only going to show what the albums are and what my favorite tracks on them were, no more. Again, sorry that this isn't a proper blog post, but my life is fucky right now and I just wanted to get the year-end lists overwith.
So, I guess without any further ado, here are my Top 15 favorite albums of 2015:
You know, I got really mad the end of that last list, and while it was nice to give... that song, as well as the others, the thrashing they deserved, I don't like being a Negative Nelly, and I'd imagine nobody does.
Which is why I'm saying that we've had enough bile and venom for one year. It's time to get to the good stuff, the best of the best. You heard me right, it's time to celebrate!
So sit back, wrap yourself in about a hundred blankets, and grab a nice hot cup of your favorite beverage, because today, we're counting down the best hit songs of 2015. Kick it off!
10
I railed against a lot of, quote, "party" songs in my Worst Hits list, and I realize that may give off the impress that I hate or am fundamentally against fun or partying or even mindless hedonism in music.
But that is not the case.
See, the problem with a lot of the songs on that list is they were so shittily made, ingenuine, and dumb to be remotely fun or happy. Granted, they also had a myriad of other problems, but that's the core of why I couldn't respect them even as """party""" songs.
Believe me, there is plenty of great dumb party music out there.
Case in point.
#10. "Shut Up And Dance" by Walk The Moon
Shut Up And Dance is one of the best examples of what a party song should be.
It's a vibrant, colorful track with its chugging guitars, gleaming synths, infectious energy, and one hell of a charismatic vocalist in Nicholas Petricca.
What really strikes me about Shut Up And Dance is how genuine it is. It's just a passionately joyful song about finding solace in forgetting all your problems and just letting go for the night, that moment where you think, at least for the time being, everything's OK. It's pure happiness put to music.
Shut Up And Dance represents the simple yet passionate joy in finding escapism through fun and dancing and laughter and love. It's what every bad party song in the radio *should* be.
It's a blast of pure joy in a pop world that needs it.
9
I've pulled a few pretty big shifts in opinion over the past year, including some complete 180's. Cool For The Summer I went from not caring about to absolutely loving, My Immortal by Evanescene went from one of my least favorite songs of all time to one of my favorite songs of all time, among many others, but I think the biggest 180 (aside from My Immortal) that I pulled this year was on DJ Snake.
Yeah, I stand by that Turn Down For What and Get Low are both awful songs and made me somewhat rightful in my terrible first impression of the guy, but I found that when he's not making obnoxious noise, he's actually a very talented and unique producer. Major Lazer helped him unlock his potential with Lean On, and it's pretty much been all butterflies and rainbows from there.
I mean, honestly, how how bad could someone be if they can produce something like this?
#9. "You Know You Like It" by DJ Snake feat. AlunaGeorge
For what in the surface may look like it would be another loud, banging club song, You Know You Like It takes a surprising twist in a very dark direction.
The general feel of this song is intense. It's brooding and contemplative, bordering on the edge of insanity. It's chill and atmospheric yet utterly chaotic all at the same time, the lyrics bringing to mind images of mental insanity, self-destruction, and madness, as AlunaGeorge does a beautiful job playing the part of that temptation, those visions and images, with her alluring yet sinister vocal performance. It's all incredibly nuanced, and it all comes together spectacularly.
And what pulls it all together is the atmosphere. DJ Snake has produced a borderline perfect beat on this song, the heavy, dark synths, the trap hits and finger snaps coming in at exactly the right moment, the way it syncs with AlunaGeorge's vocals perfectly, and wraps the song in an air of dark, dreariness. It creates such a heavy mood that fits the song perfectly, the verses and prechorus being the perfect proverbial calm before the storm before it spirals into the drop, which perfectly displays that chaos while not losing its distressingly calm tone.
It's brilliantly structured and framed, perfectly produced, and it is no doubt DJ Snake's best song. Great work.
8
Five years ago, the pop music world was taken by storm, one of the most talented and amazing artists to break into the mainstream this century became one of the biggest and most influential pop stars of the 2010's, producing a string of hit singles and having the biggest-selling album of the year two years in a row. With the same album. And now, after a long hiatus, she's back, and she's better than ever.
#8. "Hello" by Adele
Let's be honest, we all knew from the second this song was released it would be absolutely massive. It was, and I couldn't be happier about it.
Hello is a musical emotional trip, a song about trying to confront the demons of the past and close if those final lingering emotions, and... not being able to. It's a heavy feeling, as those emotions and painful memories only come crawling back to you. It's a powerful and incredibly real sentiment, helped by the fact that this song sounds absolutely incredible, starting off with that simple piano line before slowly building into the sweeping, orchestral powerhouse with the stomping percussion, violins and strings, and that choir, which amplify the power tenfold but doesn't rid the song of any of its key emotional subtlety.
And of course there's Adele herself, and I don't even think I need to say it, but she sounds fantastic. It's a perfect combination of quiet reflection and powerful belting, of subtlety and bombast, as she drives the emotions and themes of this song home with a stunning performance.
It's one of her best songs without a doubt, and rightfully as massive as it was, and let's hope 25 gets itself on Spotify soon, because of this is any indicator, I've got something incredible waiting for me.
7
Sam Smith is a pretty polarizing figure in the world of pop music. Some see him as an incredible talent with a gorgeous voice and one of the most respectable artists in pop music right now, while other see him as a boring, generic nobody whose entire success is based on a fluke. I, personally, am in the former category. Sam Smith might be one of the finest talents to come out of pop in the 2010's, hell, I might even put him on the same level as Adele. He's just got such emotion and passion in all of his songs, they're so genuine they're outright heartbreaking.
And to date, at least as far as his hits go, this is without a doubt his most effective.
#7. "Lay Me Down" by Sam Smith
Death is a difficult subject to tackle in any medium. It's an extremely heavy topic, and a very emotional one at that. With Lay Me Down, Sam Smith capture that emotion beautifully.
By far, the strongest aspect of this song is the opening. Over a simple yet powerful piano line, Sam Smith just lys out his feelings in a very intimate and personal, yet in a way relatable manner. The minimal instrumentation serves the pure, internal sadness well by letting Sam express his emotions through his stunning vocal performance.
Then the instrumentation starts to pick up, we hear violins, percussion, a choir, and the song becomes an absolute powerhouse, going from an intimate almost speech-like baring of emotions into somewhat of a symphony of sadness, as Sam Smith just starts belting and he sounds fantastic. The emotion is also reflected in the music video, which shows Smith flashing back to memories with his loved one, from their wedding to the funeral, and the imagery is absolutely stunning.
It shows a very personal experience with death, showing the emotion of anyone involved in such an unfortunate scenario perfectly.
Beautiful.
6
OK, so I might be cheating just a little bit with this entry. Not regarding whether or not it was a hit, it was, but what version was a hit. Billboard wasn't exactly clear on which one was the one that made the year end list, as it had a remix that was also quite successful and I'm not sure which one counts as the "hit", so I'm just including this on the almighty clause of Screw You It's My List And This Song Is Amazing.
#6. "Waves" by Mr. Probz
I actually missed the boat on Waves initially. It charted really early in the year and I never really heard it. But I heard it while going through the year end chart, and man, am I glad I did, because Waves is stunning. It's a perfect balance of soaring and subtlety, all balancing together to make a perfect, excuse the pun, tidal wave of emotion.
Mr. Probz is a phenomenal vocalist. His performance here is so weak and vulnerable, sounding genuinely heartbroken, confused, and depressed, as he sings lyrics that bring to mind images of fading away, losing all hope, everything crumbling away from you. It's such a powerhouse of sadness it's damn near impossible not to shed a tear while listening to it.
But the real star of the show here is the instrumentation. That faded guitar riff, the piano, the horns, they all come on and off at the right time to pack just the right punch. It all comes together into a sound that feels empty, almost hollow, but remaining elegant and gorgeous all at the same time. It's some of the best instrumentation you'll hear in pop music all year.
Honestly, I don't care if this version was technically the "hit". It deserves all the praise in the world nevertheless.
5
I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't very big on The Weeknd initially. My first impression of the guy was Earned It, and while now I think that it's a really good song, at the time I didn't care for it at all (seewhatididthere). He really just seemed to be another overtly dark, sexual R&B star and that Earned It was a fluke because 50 Shades Of Gray was, unfortunately for everyone, a massive thing early that year, and while I liked Can't Feel My Face from the beginning, it still didn't fully convince me this guy was worth keeping around for long.
But then a miracle happened.
#5. "The Hills" by The Weeknd
The Hills is a song that I would never have expected to be a hit, let alone one as massive as it was, but once it was, I couldn't be happier about it.
The Hills does not sound like something you'd think of when you hear "mainstream pop". It's dark, almost oppressively so, heavy, eerie, and ugly, and it's a masterpiece for all of those reasons. It's the closest thing to an outright horror song I think we've ever seen hit the Top 40, at least in this decade.
And as a piece of horror, The Hills works spectacularly. Every element is pitch-perfect to make it the most horrifying, unsettling song possible, from the destructively loud bass booming through the chorus punctuated by the haunted scream just before the disastrous climax, The Weeknd's quiet, contemplative performance on the verses before screaming the words to chorus in absolute anger, the lyrics painting a dark image of an overly hedonistic man walking the line between depression and madness, drowning the voices with booze, drugs, and sex, while those things only prove to push them even further, driving him even further down the deep, pitch black hole he's already trapped himself in.
It's a stunningly dark, introspective song for anything that I've ever seen touch the charts before, and the fact that it was as big a hit as it was is amazing. Never did I think something so depraved, so haunting, and so... disturbed could ever hit the Top 40, let alone be one of the Top 10 biggest hits of the entire year, but man, does it deserve it.
4
Now, I'm not the most social person. I'm the most introverted, antisocial shut-in that I know. Not socially incompatible or anything, but very rarely do I find myself purposely involving myself in groups of people outside of the Internet. I can't fucking stand long family get-togethers or loud groups and crowds, more often than not I just want to leave. It's an odd mind space where I just can't focus on anything but either waiting or trying to leave.
It's a really fucking painful time, and it especially sucks when it makes people see you as a lonely little woobie and only pile onto you even more.
Sometimes you just wanna be left the fuck alone, you know?
#4. "Here" by Alessia Cara
I think what I like the most about Here is how brutally uncomfortable it is. It perfectly captured that vibe of being stuck in a crown of overly social people and being sick of the rest of the world's shit, fuck all of you, I just wanna go home and binge-watch cartoons and eat chips while blasting much better music with absolutely nobody else anywhere near me. That's clearly the headspace this song was written in, and it captures that kind of mood perfectly, with the off-kilter instrumentation, dense, thick production, and the absolutely brilliant songwriting.
Now, Here has caught some flack for being "pretentious" and "defener music", to which I'd like to call a big fat dose of god damn fucking *bullshit*. Believe it or not, being introverted does not make you a terrible person, and not liking parties or party music does not make you an insufferable snob. Different people view the world in different ways and get happiness out of things, and it's god damn stupid to think that displaying this type of mindset makes you insufferable or defener garbage or even mentally diseased, which yes, many people do make incomprehensible leaps to for people like this. They're idiotic and disrespectful stereotypes that the Internet and people in general needs to stop fucking perpetuating.
No, I don't like parties, I don't like most of the big party anthems that chart today, and I love being alone, and you know what, there's nothing fucking wrong with that. There's a massive stigma against introversion in society, and that's why I feel we need songs like Here, to show introverts get people that, excuse the ironic choice of words, not alone, and that there's nothing wrong with them and it's OK not to feed in to the crap people keep shoving into your face. It's got an excellent atmosphere and real emotion, but it also represents something a lot deeper, something that's necessary and needs to be said.
People are gonna shit on it for daring to venture outside the norm or decent the idea of introversion, but in reality, these two things make it all the most admirable, and is a brilliant piece that people like me can connect to, and sometimes, that's really all you need.
3
A common defense I often hear for garbage like Anaconda, or basically anything from Nicki Minaj or her affiliates, is that even if it's complete worthless garbage, even if it is offensive, that at least it's "provocative" or "dares to shock people" or whatever, and really, that's a load of horse shit. What's provocative or shocking about someone shaking their ass in the camera and screeching loudly into the microphone?
Stuff like Anaconda may get people talking, but it sure as hell isn't for the right reasons. It wasn't provocative or meaningful in any way, it was shock value for the sake of shock value. So a song is worth praising because it used lazy sexuality at an attempt to generate fake controversy that ultimately leads to nothing? No, that's fucking stupid. There's nothing wrong with a song being provocative or controversial, not at all, but shocking for the sake of shock is the lowest of the low.
If you do want to do something to generate the controversy, I only have one request; have a purpose.
#3. "Take Me To Church" by Hozier
Take Me To Church is a prime example of touching on a very touchy subject and doing it in the best possible way; pulling no punches and dealing with very real issues issues head-on. Hozier is no doubt one of the most talented and interesting songwriters currently in the public eye, which is why it's a real shame he may very well go down as a one hit wonder, but let it be known his one hit was a powerful and effective one.
Religion is a very touchy subject, and obviously I'm not gonna delve very far into these issues, this is a music blog and not a politics blog, but I can say that there are definitely religious institutions in the world that are doing a fair bit more harm than good, and on a disturbingly large scale, and Hozier wastes no time getting into the meat of the issues.
Take Me To Church is a perfect precision strike at the exclusionary, bigoted and outdated viewpoints of some religious institutions, using sexually-charged wordplay and metaphor, describing a toxic relationship with a woman to brilliantly convey the equally toxic attitude of homophobia, sex shaming, and more that are so prevalent in today's society.
One of the reasons it works so well is the tone. Take Me To Church is absolutely furious, not just in its lyrics, or even the music video that depicts outright religious terrorism, but the instrumentation. The gothic, haunting swell of the production, the drums that come in just before the chorus, the choir, it's all just so dark and heavy and makes this song an intense listen. It's powerful and bleak, all at the same time.
It's some of the best, most brilliantly framed and presented, rightfully provocative, dark music you will hear on the charts. Easily one of the best songs of the year, and in a just world, Hozier would be seeing far more success right now beyond just the one song.
2
Kanye West is a pretty interesting figure to talk about. He's one of the most polarizing people in the music industry right now, the kind that you either love or hate.
While I do like a big portion of Kanye's discography, I'll admit, I haven't always been the biggest "fan" fan of his. He's an immensely talented producer, rapper, singer, and songwriter, and an incredibly interesting artist, but I've never really been too compelled in all of his discography. He's definitely someone I'd say I respect more than I like, and while his discography is very consistently great, very rarely does his music hit a massive chord, at least with me personally.
I guess I'd say Kanye West songs are a lot like Steven Universe episodes; they're mostly pretty good to even great, but on those few moments where he's at his best, they're absolutely stunning.
#2. "Only One" by Kanye West feat. Paul McCartney
Only One is Kanye's best song.
Yes, I said it, no, I am not exaggerating.
Never before has Kanye's music ever hit me this hard. The emotions on display here are so personal and intimate, the songwriting so brilliantly framed, the production so gorgeous, the stylistic and artistic choices made so perfectly representing the themes and emotions of the song, it's a god damn emotional experience. It still makes me shed a tear every time.
Only One is a song for Kanye's newborn son. It's written from the perspective of Kanye's late mother, looking down upon the two of them and providing words of comfort and pride, showing Kanye at his most confident but also his most vulnerable. He clearly misses his mother, and this song is an excellent tribute to both her and to his new child, the person he'll be raising and seeing grow up, much like his mother did to him. It's a great parallel that shows Kanye dealing with maturing and becoming a responsible parent while still having to deal with fame itself. The writing is so nuanced and touches on so many different very powerful themes that I could go on for hours about it.
And that intense feeling of personalness is only exemplified by the heavy use of autotune, which creates the perfect emotional disconnect and makes the song so intimately Kanye's, and it blends so well with the production to give this song an atmosphere that's all its own.
Very rarely does a pop song hit me right in the emotions and yet be so fascinating and worthy of dissecting as much as Only One. It's Kanye's best song to date without a doubt, and if SWISH is anything like this, then who knows, it just might go down as the best album of all time after all.
And yet, there was one hit this year that was even better.
But before we get to that, let's burn through some Honorable Mentions, and buckle in, because there's a lot of them.
Lightning Round, go!
~~~
HONORABLE MENTION: "See You Again" byWiz Khalifa feat. Charlie Puth
Easily the best work of either artist involved, See You Again is the same emotional powerhouse it was the first time I heard it. Charlie Puth's chorus is powerful, Wiz's verses, specifically the second one are beautiful and hit on the theme of death in a very universal and hard-hitting way, and the combination of piano and hip-hop production is seamless and doesn't feel out of place at all.
Pretty much the only reason this isn't on the list is I just feel Lay Me Down did this better and I didn't want to be redundant by including both. Still a damn great song, though.
~~~
HONORABLE MENTION: "Heroes (We Could Be)" by Alesso feat. Tove Lo
This was one of the last big trance/house hits before mainstream EDM shifted just about enitrely to trap and more mellow electronica by the likes of Major Lazer and DJ Snake, and man, is this wasn't a note to go out on.
It's got the same uplifting, anthemic production you'd expect from a great mainstream EDM track, Tove Lo provides an excellent performance and she and Alesso's sunny, wonderful production just mend together with the perfect chemistry, creating a gorgeous atmosphere that culminates into a very strong crescendo and a great drop.
This was one of the smaller hits of the year, but it's definitely worth checking out.
~~~
HONORABLE MENTION: "Renegades" by X Ambassadors
Yeah, it's a car commercial song, but you know what, it's a damn good car commercial song.
That simple yet effective acoustic guitar riff, the rough, rustic sound of it all, the lyrics about adventure and freedom, it creates such a great feeling of the going outside and having the whole world to experience at your hands, one that fits perfectly on, say, a trip to the mountains or whatever crazy Summer adventures you may go on. It's about going out, experiencing the world, and doing what you love. It perfectly captures the spirit of the great outdoors.
On a similar note...
~~~
HONORABLE MENTION: "Riptide" by Vance Joy
Riptide is just about the perfect Summer anthem.
With that catchy as all hell ukulele riff, the rustic, mountainy atmosphere, and the anthemic chorus, Riptide is the perfect soundtrack to any epic summer experience, going out and going mountain climbing, beachgoing, skydiving, or anything else, it's the perfect Great Outdoors anthem. It's a strikingly happy song and it just ignites the want for adventure and rough, rustic, fun.
Definitely one of the best of the year's sleeper hits, and one that deserves much more recognition, because it's wonderful.
~~~
HONORABLE MENTION: "Budapest" by George Ezra
Budapest is a song with a pretty simple sentiment: I'd give up all my riches and possession if I could stay with you. Now, that's a nice if simple sentiment and all, but man, George Ezra just sells it.
That's the key to Budapest's greatness: it's pretty deceptively simple on the surface, but the more you listen to it, the more and more you find to appreciate in it. That fluttering guitar riff, Ezra's deep, rich vocals and earnest delivery, the many little instrumental touches in the background, it's such a well layered song that it all just builds into something all on its own; a glimmering, shining piece of surprisingly complex yet very easy to digest and listen to piece of well-composed indie music.
It's like the musical equivalent of a really fancy, well-dressed slice of cake, if that makes any sense.
~~~
HONORABLE MENTION: "Blank Space" by Taylor Swift
Blank Space is pretty much the perfect Taylor Swift, taking the usual elegant fairy-tale fare from songs like White Horse and Love Story and perverting into something more twisted and sinister, turning this perfect fairy-tale girl into an absolute monster. It's pretty much a horror song, with its dark, twisted use of traditionally beautiful iconography as we see Taylor Swift play up the insane, borderline murderous persona of an absolute sociopath in what is easily her darkest song to date, with the eerie, heavy production overlaying the sinister lyricism underneath.
Without a doubt Taylor's best hit, and I'd love to see her put this persona to future use, because there is some excellent material in here.
~~~
HONORABLE MENTION: "Cool For The Summer" by Demi Lovato
Very rarely does the child-star-gone-bad formula work, let alone work this well.
I wasn't too big on Cool For The Summer at first, but over the months it only grew on me. It's a visceral powerhouse of a song, taking the theme of sexual lesbian experimentation and working wonders with it. Unlike the much inferior I Kissed A Girl, Cool For The Summer doesn't play coy or cute. It's a real, passionate explosion of sexual energy and pure, depraved lust that doesn't feel forced or overbearing. If I may be a bit gross for a sec here, yeah, this song actually is really fucking hot.
And that may be a bit of a weak, base justification for loving a song, but hey, if it's done this incredibly well, who cares?
Although that whispering of "don't tell your mother" in the bridge is still really fucking creepy. We... we probably could've gone without that.
~~~
HONORABLE MENTION: "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran
Yeah, Photograph isn't the greatest or most complex thing Ed Sheeran's ever done, but it's still a great song nonetheless. It's a very simple yet very nice song about looking back on memories through photographs and wanting to hold on to those moments for the rest of your life, and that's a really sweet sentiment that fits this sort of stripped-back, simple ballad really well.
I'll go unpopular opinion for a minute here and say I much prefer Ed's ballads to his pop jams, and Photograph is a great example of why.
~~~
HONORABLE MENTION: "I Lived" by OneRepublic
Man, I Lived is just such an uplifting song. It's a track that practically bleeds optimism.
It's a song about overcoming your struggles, and the satisfaction that comes with it, the sadness finally passing over and giving way into celebration and relief. You've been through the worst, the pain is over, and now it's time to light the fireworks and finally feel good for the first time in forever.
It's a shot of pure joy, and sometimes when I need that sort of pick me up, I still go back and listen to it. It just makes me feel so much better and helps me wash away all the stress.
Great closing single, guys. Looking forward to that fourth album.
~~~
HONORABLE MENTION: "Downtown" by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis feat. Eric Nally, Grandmaster Caz, Melle Mel, Kool Moe Dee, Nickelback, Junkie XL, Ryan Seacrest, The Wonderbolts, a mariachi band, DJ Khaled, John Cena, The Cast of NBC's Modern Family, and Knuckles
Downtown is the epitome of pure ridiculousness. Yes, it's silly, yes, it's disjointed and messy as all hell, and yes, it doesn't take itself even remotely seriously.
And those are all reasons why I just adore this song. It's so goofy and over-the-top that it just makes me crack a smile every single time. It takes its complete ridiculousness and owns it, pulling in a series of golden-age hip-hop personalities and the powerful vocal presence of Eric Nally to construct the most ridiculous, silly, crazy thing they could; a grand, multi-act tribute to the 80's, mopeds, and how awesome they are, which is every bit as gloriously insane as it sounds. It's everything great about Uptown Funk amplified to 1,000; silly, retro-influenced fun.
Don't take it too seriously, don't try making sense of it, just grab yourself a moped and come along for the ride.
And now, with all that...
1
In 2014, my favorite movie of all time was released. A story of war, loss, manipulation, passion, fascinating political messages, incredible characters, a stunning orchestral score and soundtrack... it was a masterpiece.
There were many scenes in that film, that wonderful little film, that hit me right in my emotional center, and one of those scenes contained a song. A gorgeous orchestral and vocal piece that brought to mind images of revolution and of war, and the way it was weaved into the lives of the characters at hand and the events taking place on screen led to one of the most powerful scenes I've ever seen in a movie.
Great songs can really make you feel something. Be it for a fictional world, a concept, or something in your own life, music is a powerful medium, and it can move you in all sorts of emotional ways, and can be used to portray so many things and, yes, even add a true emotional punch to something like a movie scene.
This song is unlike anything I've ever seen chart in the Top 40 before, and I mean no hyperbole when I say that it is, bar none, one of the greatest hit songs of all time.
It's a song so utterly beautiful, so powerful, so moving, that honestly, I don't know if words can do it justice.
#1. "The Hanging Tree" by James Newton Howard feat. Jennifer Lawrence
It was one of the most powerful moments in the film, and it proves equally powerful on its own.
The Hanging Tree is an absolutely spellbinding piece of music. Jennifer Lawrence's delivery is so raw and pained, perfectly fitting her role in the movie, someone beaten down by war and oppression, and this song is a call for freedom. It's a war cry, a song for revolution, and the way the lines are delivered in that sing-song way only make it more powerful; it's more of a chant than anything, and by god, if it isn't an absolutely moving chant, the kind that puts you right in this fictional world, and motivates you to raise the flag fight along with the resistance. It's that moving.
And then there's the instrumentation, and by god, it's just amazing, unlike anything you'd ever expect in the Top 40. It starts off completely silent, then that small violin comes in over the second verse before more instruments come in, building and building before it all just explodes into a gorgeous inferno of stunning beauty, with a full choir and orchestra of violins creating a grand, stunning full minute of instrumentals that, with no lyrics or words, still manages to move me to tears every time. It's so fucking beautiful.
"Beautiful" is a word I overuse a lot, in fact, I should probably cut down on using it so it'll have a bit more meaning, but if any song in the world deserved that title, it's this one. The Hanging Tree is an absolutely stunning piece that's unlike anything else you'd ever see chart, but in the best possible way.
It's one of the few "pop" songs that's ever truly moved me to this degree, and it is, with no doubt, the best hit song of 2015.
Thank you all for reading, I'm FlamingScribblenaut, and let's pray I can get those last two lists out before the end of the month.
So, 2015 is officially a thing of the past, and looking back, I have to say that I quite liked this year. It's certainly not the glorious year of pop perfection that many of my piers have claimed it to be, at least not in my eyes, but in general, I feel the general bar of quality was a lot higher than that of last year, and we did get quite a few songs I would reasonably describe as being among the best of this decade thus far. It was, at the end of the day, a pretty dang good year.
But unfortunately for me, that's not what we're here for today. After all, you all know how the old saying goes, you have to eat your vegetables before you can have your ice cream, and boy if there wasn't quite a bit of disgusting spinach casserole this year.
...metaphorically speaking, that is.
Yes, as much good as this year gave us, there was the occasional chunk of garbage that rose to the top for whatever reason, so I'm ready to get it out of here before we get to praising the greats of this year, which I really want to do.
I've decided to switch up the rules a teeny bit this time around. The songs still have to have charted within the Billboard Hot 100's Top 40 to count as a hit, but I decided to only go from January to November, or Billboard's chart-tracking year of 2015, instead of counting Top 40 entries from December. This is because there's often a massive chart reshuffling in December to welcome in the first big hits of the following year, and including said songs would completely mess up the already mostly organized lists I'd already put together and had the rough basis for writing about, and delay the writing process for about a month or so. Because of this, anything that hit the Top 40 in December of this year or anything that is extremely likely to become a much bigger hit in 2016 will instead be counted for next year's list. And to avoid any confusion or ambiguity, I'm simply going to ban any song that was on my Best and Worst hits of 2014 list from these lists. OK? OK.
Also, try not to look at this list as me being cynical and caustic purely for the sake of being cynical and caustic. Believe me, I've had a long-standing grudge against every song on here, and this is just my way of finally letting out all that pent-up rage that's been building up for the past 12 months. There'll be plenty of time for positivity later, but for now, it's time to deliver these miserable little songs their due reckoning. We're counting down the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2015 right...
...now!
10
I think at this point we're all familiar with the classic "former Nickelodeon/Disney Channel child star" career formula. Be on semi-popular TV show on one of those networks, gain career as marketable young child star, show ends, try to break away from that image by being sexual and controversial and "edgy", at term which I use to describe this situation extremely loosely, become famous pop star, and do "controversial" stuff on occasion to keep the public eye on you as long as possible until your career runs its course, either fading out gradually and gracefully or exploding into a ball of flames, either works, rinse, and repeat.
Now, this chain of events isn't always necessarily a bad thing. A few have managed to stick the landing and go on to have pretty decent careers and even produce some quality music, and the reason I bring this up is because the artist I'm about to talk about actually was one of those lucky few. Not everything she released was great or even good, but above all there were some real gems in there and she showed a lot of potential as a genuinely really good pop star. Which is why I feel I speak for all of us when I say the following:
Ariana... the fuck is this shit?
#10. "Focus" by Ariana Grande
Remember Problem? That song from 2014 that everyone loved for about 10 seconds and then almost instantly turned on? Well, it seems Ariana has failed to learn from her mistake because she's gone and done it again, only this time about 10 times worse.
I mean, I can give Focus some credit in that it has the good mercy not to stick us with an Iggy Azelea verse this time, but really, when you look at the baffling awfulness of the rest of the song, is there really much of a net improvement?
After all, every other... well, problem from Problem is still present yet somehow done even more poorly. I mean, I'll give Problem this: as awful as Problem and just about all musical elements present were, they were at the very least somewhat cohesive, they fit together into something, unlike here where it seems they just took a bunch of sounds, threw them at a wall, had Ariana badly sing-rap over them and say "all right, that's good enough, we did our best, lunch break, who's up for Taco Bell?" and sent it out to sale. From the pots-and-pans clattering percussion, the overly stiff and ugly bassline, and Jamie Foxx squealing over the chorus in what doesn't even sound like human speak, every musical element is obnoxious and barely fits together with eachother, to the point where it's not even novel or clever but rather just impossible to listen to without scratching your head and just wondering "what the hell happened here?".
Let's just hope the rest that Moonlight album can actually continue to show some of Ariana's talent, because this? Not a good sign.
9
Now, I've made a point to never be or give much attention to "that guy". You know the one. The one that's all, "modern musik iz the so bad especially the hip hop all hip hop is bad and the worst and the beatels Were better than this modrn garbage fuk dis genration!!!1!"... you know, those people. The reason being that, well, they're just simple wrong. Anyone with a cursory knowledge of music beyond le Queen and can look 2 inches beyond the Biebers of the world can plainly see the diverse and brilliant lineup of great music that is still made and released today, both mainstream and non, and yes, that does include rap and hip-hop.
However, I would be lying if I didn't say that a good amount mainstream hip-hop in recent years hasn't exactly done a very good job in proving these chodes wrong. Don't get me wrong, there are still great rappers and hip-hop artists making very high-quality music of very different flavors, even in the mainstream, but at least in the mainstream there has been such a flood of abominable hip-hop songs, trends, and artists over the recent years that I just can't help but shake my head at, and is made even worse by major publications like Pitchfork actually encourage this schlock.
Don't believe me? Well, this guy has a career. If that doesn't prove my point I'm not quite sure what will.
#9. "Flex (Ooh, Ooh, Ooh)" by Rich Homie Quan
Flex (Ooh, Ooh, Ooh), horrible title by the way, isn't the worst hip-hop song to hit the mainstream, but it is undoubtedly the most cliched and the one that I feel perfectly represents everything wrong with bad mainstream hip-hop. I can't think of a single element in this song that I haven't heard in at least 5 other vapid, lifeless brag-rap songs of the past five years. It's all just the same limp, lifeless beat, the same droning production, the same idiot mumbling borderline nonsense about fucking bitches, making money, and owning cars. It's the exact same thing we've been hearing from Lil Wayne for nearly a decade, and the same thing artists like Future have been doing since this brand of music exploded for whatever ungodly reason back in 2013.
There is nothing creative or interesting about this song at all. Rich Homie Quan is another everyday, disposable brag-rapper among millions who made another everyday, disposable brag-rap song among millions. I'm not saying every single song ever made in the world needs to be deep and artsy, but at the very least I expect some level of quality and talent, yes, even for dumb party music.
People aren't going to remember this song, we're all just gonna forget it and hopefully move on from this sort of thing. And let's hope they do, because I don't know about you, but I'm god damn tired of it.
8
Jason DeRulo has actually been a massive influence on popular music in the 2010's. When people look back on some of the biggest songs of this particular ear of pop, Jason DeRulo's stamp is pressed on there pretty hard and pretty clearly for future pop analysts to see.
And that has nothing to do with his style or voice or his pretty damn massive number hits. Nah, none of that. Jason DeRulo's mass influence on the world of music came in one singular little riff. Yep, that one.
With those few seconds of awful squawking saxophone, DeRulo set off a musical movement that absolutely nobody wanted but we got anyway. This year, everyone was trying to be Talk Dirty, with the biggest saxophone boom in pop since 2011.
There were two extremely notable example of this. The first being the more blatant of the two being Flo Rida's GDFR, which I can say, over the months, has grown on me quite a bit and it's something I can definitely see the appeal in. It is by no means a great or even really a good song, but there is some merit to it. I'm certainly inclined give it a pass.
On the other hand...
#8. "Worth It" by Fifth Harmony feat. Kid Ink
Worth It suffers from the Focus problem of taking a song that was already awful and blatantly ripping it off while accentuating its negatives even further. Only this time, instead of retreading an old song of their own, they take from a song by a completely different artist, which just makes the lack of originality even more insulting.
I don't like to throw around the term "rip-off", but this is so blatantly trying, and need I add failing, to do what Talk Dirty did I feel it deserves it. It's worth it, you know.
This song has the same feel as Talk Dirty - ugly, gross, overtly sexual without being nearly sexy, all topped off with an awful sax riff (that we'll get into) - but is even harder to listen to. Say what you will about Talk Dirty, I know I certainly can, it had an energy, a vibe, and Jason fit into the role pretty well. It was disgusting to be sure, but there was some appeal.
That is not the case with Worth It however, and I think that all comes in the production. It's this hollow, messy synthwork, the effects over the girls' already horribly nasal sing-rapping, and of course the only reason people remember this song, that saxophone riff, and wow, I railed on Talk Dirty for its sax riff, but this makes that song sound like Hey Brother. It's just so badly pitched and coarse and ugly.
That's the best way to describe Worth It - it's ugly. And not even in a good way where that's the point and it uses it to create an atmosphere or an impact or maybe present a darker subject matter, it's just an aggressively gross 3 minutes and 45 seconds of musical sludge with little to no appeal as a party song, a sex song, or a song that's good for any sort of casual or active listening.
Throw in five terrible performances from one of the worst girl groups to hit the scene in years and one of Kid Ink's laziest performances to date, and you've got a song with absolutely nothing remotely positive going for it.
Ugh.
7
So these guys are still around.
That's a shame.
#7. "No Type" by Rae Sremmurd
With most artists like Rae Sremmurd, the general consensus agrees that their music is pretty much exclusively garbage, and we can all just accept their success as the result of dumb vine trends and just ignore them with the optimistic knowledge that they will inevitably just fuck off.
Which is why it baffles me to no end that Rae Sremmurd are not only proving disturbingly influential, but have also been garnering up loads of critical acclaim, with lots of major publications such as Rolling Stone and Pitchfork putting their album on year-end Best Album lists, and a massive number of people defending their music to death and blasting those who don't like it. I have to wonder if there's some secret magic to these guys' songs that I'm just not understanding or if they happened to listen to these songs whilst high on paint fumes, because I haven't heard a single thing to compel me to believe these two are, or should be, any sort of hip-hop paradigm shifters or the critical darlings they are.
The biggest problem with Rae Sremmurd is the vocals of the two rappers present. They've always been unbearably whiny and nasal, hell when I first heard them I though they were in the 13-14 age range, and that issue is no less present here.
But even worse than that is the production. I could maybe cut this song some slack is there was any energy or power to the production to make it more fun. Wouldn't save the song from being awful, but at least it could possibly work as a party song, which it was clearly meant to be. Instead we get a hollow, meandering collection of off-beat bass hits, gang vocals, and trap high-hats with no punch whatsoever and just make the song an absolute slog to sit through.
Of course there's the lyrics, which are obviously not a strong suit. There's the chorus that blatantly contradicts itself, the verses that are the average hollow luxury porn you've heard a million times, yadda yadda yadda... this is a song with just no substance to it whatsoever, lyrical, musical, or otherwise.
"It's just dumb party music, cut it some slack" isn't exactly an excuse I'm a big fan of. If it's just supposed to be dumb party music, that's perfectly fine, there's been plenty of great songs that fall into the "mindless debauchery and partying music" category.
But it's not an excuse for a song, especially one that's played everywhere and makes a cultural impact, to be crap. Just because it's "dumb party music" doesn't means it can't be called out for being absolute garbage.
And on that note...
6
I can already feel the number of people rolling their eyes at this pick. I know, it's a cliche to hate this song, I know it's been said a million times, and I know this song is basically a joke at this point.
But you know what? I'm not one to believe the popular opinion is automatically wrong all the time. Sometimes public opinion is 100% justified and shows that hey, sometimes people do have good taste.
Yes, this song has been bashed by everyone for an infinitesimal number of reasons, but believe me, those are damn good reasons, and I'm never one to resist joining the choir when I think it's truly deserved.
So with that...
#6. "Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)" by Silento
Look, on some level, I can sort of see how Watch Me could be defended or at least cut some slack. It's not supposed to be taken at all seriously, not even as a brainless party song. It's a kid's dance song, sort of 2010s' Cha-Cha Slide or Cupid Shuffle, something to be played during elementary school morning announcements, birthday parties, gymnastics meets, after-school clubs, what have you. It's a silly song for kids, nothing offensive.
And, well, yes, that would be completely valid... but here's the thing. The Cha-Cha Slide, the Cupid Shuffle, and all their contemporaries never charted, and were never mass cultural phenomenons or I guess in Watch Me's case whatever the opposite of a phenomenon is. They were never songs you heard about outside of very specific situations.
Watch Me, on the other hand, was a massive worldwide hit and somewhat of a large cultural presence, which means I do, in fact, have to judge it on its merits as a song, and as a song, Watch Me is absolutely awful. The piss-poor production that sounds like it was made in the span of 5 minutes on some shitty cheap free audio program, the unbearably high-pitched vocals of our performer, the aggressive stupidity, repetition, and the musical parallels to Souljia Boy who I thought was a nightmare none of us wanted to relive.
It doesn't even have the good graces to be its own original terrible dance song, taking "moves" and lyrical concepts, if you can even call them that, from other terrible dance songs, with barely an original idea in there.
It's some of the most cheap, disposable, and blatant about its own awfulness as pop music has gotten in a long time. Which begs the question:
Why was this a Top 3 hit!?
5
But hey, say whatever you will about Watch Me.
At least it wasn't a lower-rate ripoff of Watch Me.
#5. "Hit The Quan" by @iHeartMemphis
I mean, is this really what the pop world needed? The hip-hop equivalent of Do The Mario?
Cheap Vine trash like this has been a running theme throughout this list, and this was saved from being the absolute worst of them by one other song that we'll get to in just a bit, but I feel it should be noted that the worst thing about this trend isn't the horrible production, terrible songwriting, lack of novelty or uniqueness, or just the pure stupidity of it all. No, it's the laziness and clear lack of talent or effort put into any of it. There's a reason none of this stuff sticks around: it's a wave lazily made nothingness made in an attempt to go viral that has now completely oversaturated the market to the point where this stuff is a dime a dozen, and Hit The Quan is the most blatant example of this.
This was released right at the peak of both Rae Sremmurd and Watch Me's popularity, which means this kind of music was at its biggest, and showed no difference from anything either artist was doing. It's the most blatant example of shilling out something to make a quick buck, and it unfortunately working.
That's what pisses me off about Hit The Quan; it's a terrible song on its own, no doubt, but it's the blatantly cynical lack of any sort of effort or creativity behind the scenes. Another day, another lifeless Vine trend that goes viral for a month before being forgotten completely.
Let's hope this kind of shit dies out in 2016 and we can leave it in 2015, because I don't want to see more of this. I really don't.
4
Going back a little bit, I have to say that I think 2014 was a much better year than a lot of people say it was. Yes there were some awful, awful trends and artists that populated the charts that year, but what saves it for me was that its good songs were absolutely stellar. Songs like Midnight, Pompeii, Afire Love, Human, and Let It Go, among others, don't come along all that often, and seeing a level of quality as stunning as theirs hit the Top 40 was something really special.
And most of the bad trends of that year really didn't stick around. DJ Mustard barely saw any success in 2015, mainstream R&B experienced an influx of really good new artists, and Jason DeRulo woke up realized what the fuck he was doing.
There's one other artist that dominated the cultural landscape in 2014, whose music was not only awful, but thankfully a complete non-presence here in 2015.
So, to say "good riddance" to this woman's career as her latest single inevitably flops, I can think of no better way than to completely destroy what will inevitably be its last breath, which was also, without a doubt, its worst.
#4. "Pretty Girls" by Britney Spears feat. Iggy Azalea
From the second I heard this song's title and the artists involved, I knew there was no chance of this song being anything but complete garbage, and turns out I was right. Oh Jesus Christ on a bicycle, was I right.
Pretty Girls is the dictionary definition of a trainwreck. Not a single element present in this song is listenable, from the obnoxious, borderline migraine-inducing production, to Britney and Iggy giving both of their worst performances to date, and just how discordant and messy it all is, Pretty Girls is the musical manifestation of annoyance.
But what's even worst is just how utterly vapid it is. I remember when Bitch I'm Madonna charted earlier this year (and *thankfully* wasn't a hit; side note, it would be #1 on this list if it did) and beyond how God-forsakenly horrid it was musically, above all. it just felt sad. She was trying so hard to convince us how *cool* and *down to par-tay* she was, it felt like she was trying so hard to cling on to relevance while failing to realize she was, in the process, committing a sin against the very art of music.
While Pretty Girls isn't *quite* as bad as Bitch I'm Madonna, I do get much of the same vibe from it. It feels like both artists are trying so desperately to cling on to relevance that has long passed by both artists involved, and it makes to song so hollow and depressing, and not in a good or effective way, but in a way that just makes me want to shake my head in shame at both artists involved. Neither artists has had exactly a good track record, especially Iggy, but they're at least better than this, any artist with a shred of dignity left is.
Apparently, Iggy blames Britney for this song not being bigger than it was. If that's the case, we need to give Britney an award or something, because she did all of us a public service.
3
So, pop quiz: how do you take two of the worst rappers currently working in music, with little to no visible talent whatsoever who made one of the worst albums of the past few years, and had already made a song bad enough to be considered on of the absolute worst of the year, and then somehow make them even worse?
Well...
#3. "Throw Sum Mo" by Rae Sremmurd feat. Nicki Minaj and Young Thug
I'll tell you how. Take two more of the worst rappers currently working in music, put them over one of the most skin-crawlingly repulsive beats ever to have been produced, and slap it all together into a generic strip-club anthem that takes all the standard tropes of that "genre" and pumps them up to a million.
2014 may have been the start, but 2015 was officially the year awful Vine hits exploded and were everywhere on the charts, and Throw Sum Mo is, no contest, the worst of them. You may not think Rae Sremmurd could dig the hole any deeper, but lo and behold, they did it, creating what may be one of the worst rap songs to chart all decade. In fact, this song is the manifestation of all the bad rap songs that charted this year, like every awful vine rap, brag rap, dance craze, club jam, and strip club anthem was just left to fester in a dark room and birth this... thing.
I'll give the two main men some credit and they their flow and rapping is a bit better here than in No Type, but really, that's not saying much. While their flow is marginally improved, it doesn't change the fact that they still have little to no charisma or personality, and their high and squeaky voices make them sound as much as 12-year-olds as ever, which adds a whole new layer of immaturity and stupidity to what is already an extremely vapid song. Then there's Young Thug, and he's just spitting his usual jibberish, nothing new from him honestly.
Then there's the production, a beat so ugly and shallow it's borderline unlistenable. It's just this hollow, bare-bones trap beat with this obnoxious bubbling synthline over it that sounds straight out of Roman Reloaded. And on that topic, Nicki Minaj, who is easily the worst part of this four-course meal of awful. I'd dare say her chorus on this song is one of her absolute worst performances to date, in fact, I'd dare say it;s the sole thing that plummeted this song into the bottom 3. It's right on par with the the "love this fat ass" and laughing bit on Anaconda, and believe me, that is a very strong statement that I do not make lightly.
However, it still wasn't the worst thing Nicki did this year.
So on that note...
2
Now, I've made it no secret that I'm not exactly a fan of Nicki Minaj. If I'm being completely blunt, I think she is the single worst artist currently working in the mainstream. Her music is absolutely disgusting, overly sexualized, horrendously produced, hack garbage often lacking anything resembling effort, talent, or meaning, and yet is constantly praised as a "talented visionary" and "voice of a generation", even while consistently pumping out pumping out trash including but not limited to Only, Anaconda, Stupid Hoe, hell, I could be here all day listing every piece of worthless junk she puts out that people somehow interpret as music. I was far too nice to her in my worst-of list last year. If I were to remake that list, Anaconda would be #1 without question, and Only wouldn't be too far behind it.
Which is why I do not speak lightly when I say that this is one of her worst. No joke, this is bottom-5 material. It's not as bad as Stupid Hoe or Anaconda, really almost nothing is, but it's damn close.
And what's worse is that it was a Top 40 hit. People actually bought this.
America, you have some serious explaining to do.
#2. "Feelin' Myself" by Nicki Minaj feat. Beyonce
One of the things that I and my fellow pop-reviewing colleages get often is that it's "just pop music". We shouldn't take it too seriously. We don't need to have standards, we shouldn't call out when things have gone too far, there doesn't need to be any talent or artistry or quality because, hey, it's "just pop music", nothing that really matters or should be cared about at all.
You know what? Fuck that.
I take serious offense to this idea. This ideology is the reason that pop music has the god-awful reputation it does. No matter what the medium, be it music, television, film, whatever, art should be taken seriously, and should be held up to at least some standards of quality, because when we don't, we see trash start to pile its way in, and it will only grow worse and worse from there. Pop heads will let schlock like Nicki Minaj slide and continue to give our generation a worse name than it deserves and let more people think that this generation is a bunch of degenerate idiots when we are absolutely not, because hey, "it's just pop music. It's not art, it's not culture, it's just. pop. music.".
NO.
As someone who truly loves music, and has mass respect for it as an art form that can do and create wonderful things, no. It's not just pop music. It's a part of our culture, and a vessel for artists to share their music with the world, have it noticed, make a career out of it. I'm not trying to say all pop music is bad or that it's all garbage, it's absolutely not. There's still a ton of great music nowadays that gets popular, music created with talent, passion, meaning, that can still grab the hearts and minds of the public, and it's a beautiful sight to see. We should be encouraging that type of music.
We should not be encouraging this. This is lazy, over-sexualized trite, that shows both performers involved at their absolute lowest, with sparse, ugly production that is borderline impossible to listen to, and four straight minutes of nonsense about sex, drinking, and what I'm pretty sure is a term for masturbation, and doesn't even have the decency to present it in a way that makes it sound fun or joyful or anything like that. There is no joy or fun to any of this. It's a bleak, cynical non-attempt at a party jam thrown together with the least amount of effort with two of the worst musicians currently working, both giving one of each artists' worst performances to date, with Beyonce slurring her non-singing all over the chorus and Nicki Minaj being her usual unlistenable self, repeating asinine trash like "pussy on fleek", into a deplorable mess that highlights everything bad about garbage songs like this. Songs like Feelin' Myself are the reason people see pop music like they do, and the more we let crap like this slide, and the more it gets critical acclaim, the more people encourage this sort of thing, the worse and worse it's gonna get, and the less respect the world will have for music as an art form. Already there are people who believe music is "dead" and that nothing else with any sort of quality is being produced, and artists like Nicki Minaj are the reason why.
Feelin' Myself is barely music. It's a wretched, horribly made piece of trash, that will inevitably go into the proverbial trash bin, right where it belongs, along the rest of Nicki's discography and that of all like her.
I guarantee, in nearly any other year, this would've taken the top spot without competition. It's not only a horrendous piece of "music", brainless, asinine, horribly-written, horribly produced, and overall disgusting garbage, but it's a perfect representation of why people hate pop music, and what all of it would sound like if we truly abandoned all standards.
And yet, there was still one song that was worse.
But, before that, let's cool things down a bit and run through some dishonorable mentions, songs that were still awful, but not quite enough to crack the list.
~~~
DISHONORABLE MENTION:
"Truffle Butter" by Nicki Minaj feat. Drake and Lil Wayne
Oh goody, more Nicki Minaj.
I'll concede that this is certainly one of the less awful singles from The Pinkprint; the production on here is actually quite nice, it's got a decent atmosphere and a good pulse, it's very listenable and what saves this song from a spot on the list.
Truffle Butter's problem, like most songs in its vein, comes in through the performers. None of the three bring much interesting to the table, and while Drake actually sounds fine the other two are just as bad as ever, with lyrics that include but are not limited to incest, snorting coke off of Lil Wayne's dick (which I can't tell if is cleverly disgusting or just outright disgusting), and the title reference, which.. yeah. I'm sure that's not what they were going for but... you really just can't listen to this without that imagery being called to mind.
Again, not one of Nicki's worst, but... yeah, that's really not saying much.
~~~
DISHONORABLE METION: "My Way" by Fetty Wap feat. Monty
My Way was the worst of Fetty Wap's singles this year by a long shot.
Trap Queen was enjoyable, 679 was sluggish and painful, and My Way is just plain impossible to listen to.
You hear those disturbing key twinkles at the beginning, the slow, meandering tempo, Fetty's horribly off-pitch delivery... there's something that's just off-kilter about this song, almost like listening to it is brainwashing me or something. It's one of the worst-constructed songs of the year, nothing about it works.
Just thinking about it is giving me a migraine. Ugh, next.
~~~
DISHONORABLE MENTION:
"Bitch Better Have My Money" by Rihanna
I remember being repulsed by this song at first, but over time I've really numbed to it. If anything, it's kind of funny in a way. Seeing Rihanna trying to pass herself of with this don't-fuck-with-me gangster girl attitude is just hilarious, almost cute in a way.
It's not so much the attitude or lyrics that make this song bad, laughable as they are. No, the issue comes in through the song's sound. You got Rihanna screaming her lines over this heavy-handed, overbearing trap beat that just makes it a nightmare to listen to.
It's a song that tries so hard to be edgy, but really, it's just nonsense.
~~~
DISHONORABLE MENTION: "Marvin Gaye" by Charlie Puth feat. Meghan Trainor
No, Marvin Gaye didn't make my Top 10 Worst of the year.
But that doesn't mean it wasn't reeeeaaally close.
Marvin Gaye just might win the award for Lamest Song Ever Recorded. It tries so hard to be this hot, smooth sex jam of sexual sexiness, and fails so unbelievably hard that it's outright laughable, in fact it might be the most unsexy song to ever mention sex. Throw the complete failure to live up to its subject matter, some of the inexplicably awful lines, its limp melody, weak piano riff, and out of nowhere use of gang vocals of all things, Marvin Gaye is the musical equivalent of a gory, explosive car crash happening right before your eyes; it's so disgusting and horrid but you just can't look away. It's a fascinating disaster on every level.
And to think I thought Charlie Puth had potential. Oh, silly me.
~~~
DISHONORABLE MENTION: "Nasty Freestyle" by T-Wayne
lol no
OK, let's finish this.
1
Now, I like to think that I can temper my emotions pretty well when it comes to criticizing art, and that includes pop music. Even the worst songs I may get angry at and spit a lot of venom towards, hell just look at this very list you're reading right now, but it often fades with time, and I can take comfort in the fact that most of these songs aren't nor are they intending to do any long-term damage or spread anything harmful to society or anything. I still stand by that pop music should be held up to a standard and bad songs should be criticized, if I didn't I wouldn't be writing this list right now, but very rarely does a song come along that I find so atrocious from a conceptual, moral standpoint that I can safely say my anger towards it will possible never cease, and I think the world would be better off if this song were never produced.
I guess the gist of what I'm trying to say is that I don't very often get "offended" by pop songs. "Offend" is a very strong word, and much like "hate" I feel it should only be reserved for extreme situations where the piece of art in question truly deserves it, that meaning it does something worse than just being badly composed or mind-numbingly brainless or especially just being boring.
This artist, however, has shattered all of that. Her music is toxic not in lack of artistry or musical incompetence, but from a purely moral standpoint. Her songs have presented some of the most toxic, unjustifiable, disgusting songwriting I've ever heard in pop music, period, and that fact that she claims herself to be a role model for young girls and claim her sick ideologies are somehow progressive sickens me.
And you know what? I was almost just gonna let her slide. Her first two singles were disgusting, no question, if I were to redo last year's worst list they'd both be Bottom 5 without a doubt, but she hadn't quite gotten to that peak of anger for me yet, I was convinced she was gonna be gone in no time.
The first time I heard this song, any and all slack I could possibly cut her disappeared instantly. I was seething with anger the first time I heard this song, an anger that has only grown and intensified over time before culminating into unbridled, vitriolic disgust. It's one of the few pop songs I can actually say I find, well, offensive, and I now consider this woman to be the worst artist currently working.
So, a question: how do out-toxic Nicki Minaj?
#1. "Dear Future Husband" by Meghan Trainor
Look, on some crazy level, I could understand how people could somehow construe a positive message out of All About That Bass. If I squint my eyes hard enough, I could maybe even see how Lips Are Movin' could be justified.
There is no excuse for this. Dear Future Husband isn't just a bad song, this is a potentially dangerous one, presenting a myriad of toxic ideologies and ideas, and being presented as a positive message for women and being praised for it.
This song portrays a relationship in which Meghan Trainor has complete power over her husband, forcing him to menial tasks for her and compliment her to reassure her already dangerously high ego complex, and controlling every single second of his life, and with no reward or reassurance outside of kisses and being allowed to stay with her for the sake of "love". Love, for the record, seems to be a concept Trainor has a very twisted viewpoint of. Love isn't about controlling your significant other and putting them beneath you based on arbitrary gender roles and a sense of superiority, it's about mutual care and passion and respect, none of which seem to be traits Meghan Trainor even possesses.
In fact, this song paints a picture of what is essentially an abusive relationship. The way this song is framed, it's clear Trainor only wants this guy around to do things for her and inflate her sense of self-worth, while keeping him in a proverbial chokehold, even straight up saying "you'll never see your family more than mine". This isn't just me reading too deep into things, she is literally stating that she is keeping him away from his loved ones for her own benefit. That is fucking sick.
What scares me the most about this song is the framing. This song, in all its sadistic, disgusting subject matter, is played 100% straight and is meant to be taken as positive and cute. It's claiming to be this inspirational, pro-feminist message that's healthy for young girls and women to learn. That's right ladies, treat your significant others like worthless garbage, keep then under your strangle-hold and away from their families, after all, with society's attitudes towards abusive relationships and how men can never be abused and should never complain about anything, and women can never do anything wrong and putting themselves in the role of the abuser is actually seen as "standing up for herself" and "strong and independent", it's not like anyone's gonna call you out on it!
No. This is not progressive. This is insane, not only that, but possibly damaging. This isn't just insane nightmare fuel from a possible sociopath with no regard for certain people based on their gender, this is a song designed to send a message that abusive relationships are not only OK, but they're empowering and that they're a sign of a true woman and a good feminist, and like it or not, they're gonna take it to heart, and we're gonna see more relationships like this pop up, and because it's woman-on-man, society isn't gonna do shit about it. And the cycle's just gonna keep on going.
Stuff like this is the reason gender issues aren't being resolved, and if more stuff like this starts getting popular, or, god forbid, become influential, then we're never gonna progress. We're just gonna keep living in a fucked-up, horrible world, and music like Meghan Trainor's is only gonna perpetuate it, with its Tumblr-grade socially destructive messages and arbitrary gender roles that we should've out grown by now. Music like this doesn't want us to grow, it only wants us to go backwards.
