2014 was a year in music.
That's really all I can say because... 2014 wasn't really a good or bad year in pop music. As a whole, it was incredibly mixed, with no definite adjective to describe it one way or the other.
Of course, it did immediately follow 2013, possibly the greatest year in pop music history, so it had some pretty damn high standards to live up to, which is why I'm hesitant to call the year "great", but there was quite an abundance of great songs this year, so I wouldn't really have the heart to call it bad either.
So, yeah, if I could say one thing about 2014 as a whole, I guess I could say "it happened".
So, this being the year it was, there was good and bad, and today, much to my unamusement, we're looking at the bad.
Ladies and gentlebros (remind me to never say that again), this is the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2014!
Let's get this shitfest off to a start with some dishonorable mentions, shall we?
Dishonorable Mention #1. "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor
Now here's a song that was destined to receive my hatred and scorn from the very beginning.
Meghan Trainor may have gone on to make worse songs (we'll get to one of those later), none of them were as inescapable, overplayed, and worst of all, highly praised as this one.
On the surface, this may seem like a simple upbeat song about fat acceptance, but no, let's call is what it really is: an obnoxious, infuriating ego trip that only serves for Meghan Trainor to flaunt herself to the world and shame skinny people in the process (I know the song claims to be about acceptance of all body types, but if you even listen to the lyrics, yeah, no, it's a skinny-shaming song and you know it). And the upbeat horn-infused retro production only serves to make matters worse, as it only amplifies what an infuriating douche Meghan Trainor is acting like.
For a song like Uptown Funk, the upbeat retro production might help make it more awesome, but here, it only serves to make it more insufferable.
Next.
Dishonorable Mention #2. "Bang Bang" by Ariana Grande feat. Jessie J and Nicki Minaj
There is just so much wrong with this song I have no idea where to begin.
The eardrum-piercing beat, the obnoxious clap percussion, the grating vocals, the overtly sexual lyrics... everything about this song is just annoying, it's more of a pure wall of sound than anything.
Of course, I'm not quite sure what else to expect from a song entitled "Bang Bang", but yeah, this song gives me a migraine.
I don't mean to hate on Ariana Grande, of course. I think she's a very talented singer with a few admittedly really good songs, this obviously not being one of them.
Bang Bang is just a mess. A sloppy, gross, and extremely painful mess.
Dishonorable Mention #3. "This Is How We Do" by Katy Perry
This is not the last of Katy Perry you'll be seeing on this list.
If Bang Bang was the definition of annoying, This Is How We Do is the definition of just. plain. insufferable.
This is like if you took a generic Pitbull party song, took out the few good parts, and cranked the bad parts up to 11, THEN, as the finishing blow, added Katy Perry.
That is this song, and that is not something I or anyone with a right mind would ever want to listen to, or dignify by talking about anymore.
Dishonorable Mention #4. "Lifestyle" by Young Thug feat. Rich Gang and Rich Homie Quan
What the fuck is this?
I mean, I know what it is, it's Lifestyle by Young Thug, but... what the fuck is it?
Is he... rapping? Is he singing? Is he sleeptalking? Is his voice a mumbling, incoherent mess? I'm gonna take a wild guess and say the fourth one.
As a matter of fact, this whole SONG is a mumbling, incoherent mess. And aside from that, there is literally nothing else special about this song. He raps about money and cars and hoes, the same thing we've heard in a million other rap songs, except even worse because as I said you can't even make out the lyrics.
I refuse to believe this song is some boundary-pushing piece of art because it's not, plain and simple. It's another shitty rap song, and is to be put with the rest of its kin in the musical garbage disposal.
Dishonorable Mention #5. "Talk Dirty by Jason DeRulo feat. 2 Chainz
I've never had much of a problem with Jason DeRulo.
He was a clear Usher wannabe, yes, but you know, he was a decent singer, tended to have some excellent production backing him, and he had some pretty genuine and nice love songs.
Now, in some ways, I could see why some people hated that DeRulo, and why people liked this song.
The horn line could be seen as pretty catchy, the groove is pretty nice, it's silly enough to be considered fun I guess, I can see the appeal no doubt, but personally, I find this song insufferable.
I hate the sound of this song. It's grating to me. I like saxophones perfectly fine, but the ones in this song are just annoying.
Jason DeRulo comes off as a complete douchebag, this is just your standard picking-up-chicks song but with a thick layer of overt racism over it.
And we get, quite possibly, the dumbest rap verse of all time, courtesy of 2 Chainz. Fucking 2 Chainz.
Dishonorable Mention #6. "No Flex Zone" by Rae Shremmurd
Rae Shremmurd, you are just the worst.
Dishonorable Mention #7. "Loyal" by Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne and Tyga
I don't even think I have anything to say about this song. Every critic in the universe has already panned this song to death and picked apart every little flaw, so I'd have nothing to add.
Sorry.
Dishonorable Mention #8. Anything and everything by DJ Mustard
DJ Mustard was everywhere in 2014. He produced more Top 40 hits this year than I think anyone else.
Because of this, I wouldn't have nearly enough room to put all of his songs on this list individually, not that it would have been practical anyways because basically everything he touched this year was awful in the same way.
The same snap percussion, weak synths, and shitty R&B singer and/or terrible rapper in everyone on of his songs, Don't Tell Em, No Mediocre, 2 On, Na Na, Show Me. Each of these songs is terribly bland and very unpleasant to listen to, and they all sound the exact same.
Luckily, the public seems to have woken up from their DJ Mustard-beat-induced slumber and properly kicked him out of the pop music universe. Thank God.
And now, with the dishonorable mentions out of the way, let's begin.
#10. Now, like I said above, a lot of people really liked Jason DeRulo's Talk Dirty, but in my opinion, that song is where his quality took a massive nosedive.
And now, with the dishonorable mentions out of the way, let's begin.
#10. Now, like I said above, a lot of people really liked Jason DeRulo's Talk Dirty, but in my opinion, that song is where his quality took a massive nosedive.
That was exemplified by his follow-up single, which was liked by absolutely nobody.
And rightfully so.
#10. "Wiggle" by Jason DeRulo feat. Snoop Dogg
Not only is this DeRulo's easy worst single to date, it also just how stupid R&B can be if it really tries. Of course, let's talk about the foundation of this song's many, many problems: that word. "Wiggle" is, bar none, the single worst word in the English language. Nobody has ever used this word without is soundin absolutely idiotic, and it piles upon the already incompetent mess of a performance from Mr. DeRulo in one of the worst chorus lyrics in R&B history to make this song one of the dumbest things that has ever hit the Top 10. It's not What Does The Fox Say level of stupid to the point of being infuriating (just a side note, What Does The Fox Say is the worst song, if you even want to dignify it by calling it that, ever recorded), but it's pretty damn stupid all the same.
Naturally, the song has millions of other flaws too, like the limp recorder-driven production, Snoop Dogg's laziest guest verse to date, and the fact that it hit the Top 5. All this piles up to make it one of the most unenjoyable and just plain lame R&B songs to ever chart.
With his new not very good but at least somewhat decent single Want To Want Me, Jason looks like he's starting to crawl back from his dark age and maybe into making some good pop music again, but it's gonna take a hell of a phenomenal follow-up to reconcile for this. Next.
#9. Breakup songs are a delicate art.
If you hit it just right, you can make some incredibly fantastic work that success in the realm of emotion, such the The Script's utterly phenomenal 2010 hit Breakeven (Falling To Pieces), or anger, such the defined teen-angst-rock classic I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace.
If you do it wrong, however, you can end up with one of the sappiest, most boring songs in existence, like Christina Perri's 2011 disaster Jar Of Hearts, or utterly infuriating songs that only serve to make the singer look like a complete and utter tool.
Like this.
#9. "Lips Are Movin'" by Meghan Trainor
If All About That Bass was simply insufferable, Lips Are Movin' is absolutely infuriating.
Never mind that fact that this song blatantly lifts everything, from production to tone to performance, from All About That bass and then proceeds to make everything 10 times worse, the real infuriating thing about Lips Are Movin' is lyrics and tone.
In this song talking about her boyfriend who she suspects may be cheating on him, and instead of actually getting the evidence to prove that he is doing this or even confronting him about it, she just dumps him outright and spends the while song talking about how awful men are and all the stereotypical empowerment bullshit and blah blah blah.
It's be fine if the narrator was actually shown to be sympathetic and likable and could actually back up what she was saying, but no, here Meghan Trainor comes off as one of the most bitchy and insufferable human beings on the planet. The other guy isn't given a side to the story, it's clear Meghan doesn't even now he cheated at all, we don't even get his side of the story, this is just another stereotypical female empowerment anthem that shows all men as unredeemable sleazebags so people will see her as an "uplifting idol for girls", and even as someone who is 100% neutral on the whole feminists VS MRAs thing, that is one of the most disgusting, reverse-sexism-fueled things I can imagine.
If you want a hit song from 2014 that actually paints a good story of an SO cheating and is actually sympathisable, emotional, and you know, good, check out the fantastic I'm Not The Only One by Sam Smith, and skip this dreck.
Next.
#8. Every once in a while, an artist comes along where all the critics jump on the bandwagon and praise the ever loving shit out of them.
Sometimes the artist in question is good, sometimes they're not, but there is generally some appeal to them that makes the endless praise somewhat understandable.
But every once in a while, an artist receives immense praise from everyone despite not really having anything truly special or amazing going for them, and they go on to become one of the god damn worst acts in all of music and dropping one of the worst albums of the decade, but still get praised to heaven and back because her music is "empowering" or something.
It just goes to show that some acts can create absolute garbage and still be highly acclaimed for it thanks to a little thing called bandwagonism.
And in case you haven't figured it out yet, yes, I'm talking about Beyoncé.
#8. "Drunk In Love", "7/11", and "Partition" by Beyoncé
I put all these songs in the same slot because I refuse to waste the time or effort it would take to pick apart each one of these songs in depth.
The fact that Beyonce's self-titled album was so highly praised, even to the point of it being nominated for Album Of The Year at the fucking Grammys mystifies the shit out of me, as that album contained a myriad of absolutely atrocious songs, these three being among the worst.
Now, these songs are far from the worst thing Beyone has done. After 2009's Diva and 2011's Run The World (Girls), both of which are easily in my Top 10 Worst Songs Of All Time, it's safe to say she's not sinking any lower.
Still, these 3 songs represent the worst of what I hate about Beyoncé's music, from insufferably obnoxious and noisy (7/11) to being lazy, slurred, and overall boring disasters (Drunk In Love), to the absolutely abysmal attempts at being sexy (Partition) these three songs represent not only the worst in Beyoncé, but in pop-R&B as a whole.
They are all sad, sad excuses for pop music, and the fact that they were all critically praised sickens me.
Maybe there is some hidden musical genius that I'm not understanding, but for now, all I see is an attempt at making sexy, "empowering" music that just soles off as not only sad, but absolutely pathetic.
Worthless trio of songs, all across the board.
#7. When I hate a song that many seem to like, I generally try to find some kind of appeal, see what they see in a song that I don't.
And while that has helped me understand a lot of people's musical tastes and become much more tolerant and accepting of people with differing musical preferences.
But every once in a while, a song comes along that a lot of my close friends like but for the life of me I just cannot, in any way, understand the appeal.
So, as if I haven't already dug myself into a hole with that last entry...
Hello, Iggy Azelea.
#7. "Fancy" by Iggy Azelea feat. Charlie XCX
I tried, I really did, but no matter how much I looked, I could find just nothing remotely worthwhile or even enjoyable about this song.
Fancy is one of those songs that is not only terrible, it's the most bland kind of terrible there is. Now, there is much MUCH worse you can do than just being bland, but this song doesn't even have the good graces to be boring enough that I can just ignore its existence, it's oppressively bland.
It's the same trite, vapid cliches we've heard a trillion times in other rap songs over one of the most insipid and uninspired beats in rap history, and in most cases this could just be ignored and shrugged off and I could just sleep through it, but no, the difference here is that the song is so aggressive and obnoxious what with Iggy's horrific voice and the absolutely terrible synths present in the beat, it goes beyond just being bland uninspired rap and ends up being pushed into straight-up unpleasant territory.
Even Charli XCX, who I actually think is a pretty damn good pop artist and has a lot of songs I really like, is just wasted here. This chorus showcases her at her most high-pitched and annoying, and the horrible, horrible vapid songwriting present here as well as in Iggy's verses just makes it absolutely insufferable.
Bottom line, Fancy is just straight-up bad music. The 6 songs you're about to see may be much, much worse than this one, but none of them come to the same level of having purely nothing to enjoy or even see as good as Fancy. Let's hope Iggy Azelea disappears from the pop charts completely and quickly, because we do not need another one of these this summer.
#6. So, now that I've effectively pissed off everyone with those last two entries, it's time for the entry that is going to piss off absolutely nobody.
This song being this high on the list is not gonna surprise anyone because almost everyone hates it. In fact, I don't think I saw any other song in 2014 receive as much critical panning as this one.
And that's a good thing, you know why?
Because it deserves it.
#6. "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj
I don't like Nicki Minaj, never have, never will. I would go so far as to say she's one of the worst if not the worst musical artist currently working, at least in the mainstream.
This song is everything awful about Nicki Minaj and all other terrible mainstream rap artists rolled up into one ball of pure musical atrocity.
Annoying, overbearing, ear-destroying beat? Check.
Nicki Minaj being insufferable not just by rapping everything in the most high-pitched, obnoxious way possible, while throwing in other shit such as that laugh, the most horrifying laugh ever let out by a human being? Check.
Possibly the most blatant, lazy use of sampling of all time? Check.
Is it about sex, drugs, butts, and all that other shit that infests most terrible rap songs like this? Check-a-rooney.
If Fancy was devoid of everything good, Anaconda is packed to the point of bursting with literally every awful thing possible. It's barely even a song, more just a wall of noise.
Did this song get mercilessly bashed to death this year by everybody? Yes.
Was it bad enough to deserve it? Abso-friggin'-lutely.
#5. Oh, Miley Cyrus. If there was a word for artists whose career survive purely because of controversy and absolutely nothing else whatsoever, her picture would be next to that word in the dictionary.
In 2013, long after Hannah Montana became a forgotten relic of the past, Miley Cyrus set forth to create a new, sexy image, for the sole purpose of not being remembered as that one girl from that one Disney Channel show that was really popular in like 2009, and the media ate it up like me at a pizza buffet.
She was inescapable, and during this time period, she released two highly successful singles, Wrecking Ball, which was really just kind of meh, and the absolutely atrocious We Can't Stop, one of the few hit songs from 2013 that I actually really hated. And worse even, she introduced twerking into the world, one of the worst trends of any kind in history.
And even with all the horrible shit she did to pop culture during that brief time period, I don't think anything she did could have possibly prepared me for this.
#5. "23" by Mike Will Made It feat. Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa, and Juicy J
OK, so technically this isn't Miley Cyrus's single, it's Mike Will Made It's, who I must add is one of the worst producers currently working, even worse than DJ Mustard. I mean, DJ Mustard's beats at least had the good grace to be boring enough that they could put you to sleep so you didn't have to listen to them, but Mike Will Made It is responsible for some of the most ear-piercingly awful production of music in the 2010's, and here may be his worst yet.
But still, I'm more inclined to give the main credit to Miley, because, you know, she actually does almost all the singing and rapping. Which, I might add, is unfortunate because she's completely awful at it. She's not as insufferable and headache-inducing as Nicki Minaj, but she is way more incompetent and almost just as unlistenable. This is not helped by the fact that she's backed up by Wiz Khalifa and Juicy J dropping one of each respective rapper's laziest and overall worst verses to date.
If We Can't Stop was Miley's transition into awfulness, 23 is the point of no return for her. I at least hope this finally put the nail in the coffin of Miley's career, because we do not need any more of her.
Next.
#4. You thought Anaconda was the worst thing Nicki Minaj was capable of?
You sweet, innocent summer child.
#4. "Only" by Nicki Minaj feat. Lil Wayne, Chris Brown, and Tyga
Yep, now we're getting into the real bad stuff. Nicki Minaj is a terrible artist, always has been, and Only is everything terrible about her rolled up into one package, with a trio of awful guest stars to boot.
Ignoring the clearly Nazi-themed music video which could easily be taken as very offensive, this song is one of the most disgusting, brain-destroying pieces of music of the decade.
Not only (heh) does Nicki drop some of the worst-written and lamest verses of the year, Lil Wayne and Drake come along and add a whole new level of pure incompetence, from Lil Wayne brining in another one of those bathroom metaphors he's so famous for ("I piss greatness like goldish-yellow"... dude, just no), to Drake trying to pull off the hardcore rapper look and epically failing, to Chris Brown being here for... well, absolutely no reasonable reason whatsoever.
And the fact that it all takes place over one of the worst beats ever produced by human hands adds a layer of insufferability to this absolute trainwreck.
Only is one of the most disgusting, vile, straight-up unpleasant things to ever hit the Top 40. It's truly awful, but really too weak and awful for me to truly get angry at.
Now, do you want to hear a song that actually gives me true, visceral rage?
#3. Katy Perry is one of those artists who was always just kind of there. A few of her songs are guilty pleasures of mine, a few of her songs I find absolutely terrible, and she even has a few songs I find legitimately really good, but as a whole, she never really stood out to me that much.
That is until this year, when she decided to release one of the most absolutely horrendous and infuriating pop songs I have ever heard. I hated it upon first listen, and the more I was subjected to it throughout the course of the year, that hatred only festered, and it became one of the worst songs of this decade.
Yep, I'm gonna say it: this is Katy Perry's worst song.
#3. "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry feat. Juicy J
OK, so probably the first thing you should know is that my family actually loves this song. Every single time it came on the radio, I was subjected to it in its entirety.
Now, in some circumstances, this could lead to it growing on me or finding something I could like about or just becoming numb to its complete awfulness.
But no, it just grew more and more unlistenable with each grueling listen. And even though I don't have to listen to it as much anymore because it doesn't play as much on the radio anymore (thank god), I still despise it just as much.
Everything about this song is atrocious.
The first and most obvious problem with this song is the beat. This is one of the most irritating beats on any song released this year, with it's high-pitched synths that grate on the eardrums, the speaker-destroying bass that's too overbearing for its own good, and the general overall unpleasant vibe it gives off makes the song damn near impossible to listen to.
Layed over that beat we have Katy Perry herself. Her vocal performance isn't really that terrible pre se, but what really pisses me off is the lyrics. See, in this song, Katy Perry is trying to present herself as this dark, powerful goddess of love who can create great relationships but also destroy the hearts of those who cross her, but because her performance is so weak and because it's Katy fucking Perry, she just comes off as going on a massive ego trip trying to make herself look like this fantastical figure when in reality she just comes off as completely insufferable, trying to make herself look awesome through her "phenomenal cosmic power" when in reality she's just whining about another breakup and making all the guys look like the bad guys because I guess she's hopping on the Meghan Trainor "all guys are dicks" bandwagon, which is a trend I despise, by the way.
Then there's Juicy J, who spits on of the most blatantly idiotic and ridiculous rap verses of all time. The level of blatant stupidity on show here is just embarrassing. I could list all the unbelievably stupid lyrics in this section, but I think the stupidity speaks for itself.
Speaking of the stupidity speaking for itself, I'm not gonna touch too much on the music video, but it is one of the worst music videos I've ever seen.
These elements are all sinply bad on their own, but when they all come together, they form a mangled, garbled, and disgusting mess of a song with no redeeming value, no enjoyability, not even anything to like as a guilty pleasure. It's the musical equivalent chewing of an already-chewed pice of gun that was left on a filthy handrail and covered in dog shit.
In other words, fuck this song. It's musically bottom-of-the-barrel in every way, and it's the worst thing Katy Perry's done to date.
#2. Generally when a song gets famous off the Internet, the artist or artists responsible are doomed to become one-hit wonders.
I mean, have you heard from Rebecca Black or Ylvis or The Chainsmokers recently? No, and with good reason. Their hits were terrible and their 15 minutes in the spotlight naturally ran out.
But every once in a while, you get the artist who has one viral hit that sweeps the nation for months on end, but years after the sensation has been forgotten, they're still somehow managing to sneak their way onto the pop charts.
Now, this wouldn't be a problem if their follow-up singles were of any quality, but I think it's pretty clear there's no quality to be found here whatsoever.
#2. "Hangover" by Psy feat. Snoop Dogg
People have many differing opinions on what the worst sin a song can commit is. Some say it's being so boring there's nothing to enjoy about it, some say it's having an absolutely reprehensible message like one of sexism or racism, for me, the #1 deadly musical sin is simply being not music, but rather just plain noise.
And that's exactly what Hangover is: 4 minutes of intolerable, loud noise.
This is a song that exists purely to annoy. I mean, Gangnam Style was fun and danceable, Gentlemen, while terrible, at least had some level of musical competence, but this literally sounds like something someone made by banging on a synthesizer for 3 minutes, yelling random shit into a microphone, looping it for 4 minutes, and throwing in a random lazy Snoop Dogg verse because I guess we had to, bang, there's your song.
There is no level of musical competence, coherence, or even effort put into this song. You can't even just turn your brain off for a few minutes to enjoy it because how much it just makes the ears bleed.
There may have been one hit this year worse than this, but this was easily the most musically unlistenable song of the year. Psy, you've had your hit, and your two follow-ups were complete flukes. Time to for you to leave our pop charts for good.
And now, with all that said...
#1. Now, this is normally the part where I go on some long, rambling, pretentious speech about what music means to me and why this song goes against that and all that shit, but you know what? I don't think I need to.
This one pretty much speaks for itself.
#1. "Booty" by Jennifer Lopez feat. Iggy Azelea
With all the other songs on this list, I've been able to come up with some rationale as to why I hate it so much.
But Booty is just so stupefyingly bad that I can't generate a response aside from "holy shit, what the fuck is this, why does this terrible piece of music exist and what is it doing in my pop charts?" It's the only song on this list that actually left me breathtaken with just how purely awful it is.
Yep, it's another result of the Great Butts Plague of 2014, and it somehow managed to take every terrible quality from All About That Bass, Bang Bang, Wiggle, and Anaconda, and melt them down to their essence, and utilizing that essence to make something 27x worse than any of those songs.
It even takes a few cues from Hangover by having one of the most loud, overbearing, and just plain noisy beats of the year.
This is everything wrong with pop music in 2014 all piled together into one unlistenable heap of garbage. It's an atrocious piece of music that should've never charted, but because it did, it gains it's rightful spot as the Worst Hit Song of 2014.
Thank you all for reading, I'm gonna go listen to some good music to wash my ears out from this trite, and I'll see you all next time for the best hit songs of 2014.
